Diary of a Stranger

Samedi 2 février 2013 à 13:27

No lies, he is the sweetest guy I have ever met. We've been talking and writing each other everyday since we met. He helped me planned an amazing birthday weekend for my best friend whom he met only one hour of his life. He got us, not a room, but a suite, at the Solomar Hotel, a very nice hotel in the Gas Lamp quarter in downtown San Diego. He refused us to drive, and drove all the way from San Diego to Los Angeles to pick my best friend, my roomate and I. Drove out another hour so that we could eat at this Vietnamese restaurant in OC I wanted to check out, then two more hours back to San Diego. He even cooked a Philipino dish for me, I was just kidding and I had no idea he would actually do it. He also bought me an electric cigarette because I told him I wanted to quit. The first ten minutes spending with him I was already moved by all the things he did for me. And it wasn't over, he even booked a table at Stingaree, the club across the hotel. The hotel and the table service, and the two bottles cost him at least a $1000. He hates clubbing but he wanted my best friend to have the best birthday and to make me happy that he got us in the most fancy club of san diego and even bought new shirt, shoes, and pants because he never dresses up. All this, for a girl that yes he talked everyday for a month, but only met before one night. And he didn't even kiss me that first night. No one has ever gone through all this trouble just to make me and my friends happy. I couldn't believe it. After the club closed (welcome to california where all the bars and clubs close at 2am...) we all went back to the suite to keep drinking. 

(I am passing out so I will finish this story later)

Samedi 2 février 2013 à 12:40

Well, yes I am really awful at keeping up with this blog. In fact the more things that happen, the less I write about it. Since I last posted I have met Cris whom I will talk about in a bit. I have been to Las Vegas with my entire family (direct) and my mum's relatives, a unique occasion considering my parents are divorced and don't live on the same continent, and my mother, brother, and I live respectively in North Carolina, Virginia, and California. Yes, I spent Christmas Eve being a sinner, gambling and drinking in the casino (Christmas is really just an excuse to get together, we're not religious). I came back to LA for New Year's Eve at Roxbury and turned out not to be a very good night. I then went back to Paris for three week to see my father, which was very a breather for me, and refreshing since I also got to see my friends whom I have dearly missed. I went to Madrid so I could finally see RH. We spent three days together and did not do anything until I kissed him when we were saying goobye. Why? Because we were both waiting for the other to send signals so we could make a move. Anyways, we realized we were pretty stupid afterwards and that was the last time we could see each other, so end of a love story that didn't really start. That's what happened when you don't see someone for three months, you don't know how to react when you see them again. It doesn't matter because I think he was hiding something from me, I think we was dating someone in Spain. Really stupid to lie about that, because I wouldn't have got mad considering we don't live in the same country.

But everything is okay because I met Cris.
Yes, I was in Paris when it snowed. 

Dimanche 16 décembre 2012 à 13:37

 I missed to mention what happened in my professional life. Two weeks ago I asked Ryan about my situation, since I was suppose to be on a week trial before him telling me whether I was hired or not. But I was already at my fourth week and had no answer.  When I confronted him, he told me we were wrapping two big projects but after that it would be slow and he wouldn't know if he could hire anyone until the beginning of next year.... So much for using me. I was furious but kept a smile. Why have a job posted if you never intended to hire? I was originally suppose to work part time as an intern for a month, and worked full time after he told me I was on a week trial. I needed another job to make money on the side and he used me full time from 9-7 sometimes from 9am-9pm. And insinuating in many ways that I was guaranteed to be hired. I was furious and upset. What really hurt me was that I had to ask my parents for money hoping this would turned into a job. And making my parents believed I would get it. I was so scared to tell them. Not so much scared because I know my parents would always be there to support me when in need but scared to disappoint them. I wanted to make them proud, and I did, and totally mislead them. I wanted to prove I was different from my stepsister, that I could get a job within three month, that I could support myself without their help. That I could succeed as much as my big brother. That day I called both my parents and broke down in tears. My loans had come a few days earlier and I found out I had to sent a check to the government around $300 a month to pay off my debts. And my car insurance came up as well I owed $2000 by the end of the year. Now what? I had no money no job. I couldn't pay my own rent, my bills, my groceries, my other expenses by myself. How could I pay off my loans too?  I was so ashamed could not stop crying. I sent an apology email the next day writing a long apology to my parents for being a financial burden. I said I would get two jobs and work 7 days a week to make up for it. But my mum insisted that I don't because I would be more exhausted and would end up being more sick. Telling me I wouldn't end up making more money because my medical bills would get expensive. 
Great, I have the worst immune system on top of that especially because of my time in college where I had to pull so many all nighters. I went to the top program in the country, ruined myself and my parents, and got sick because of all the pressure and the sleep deprivation and it didn't lead me anywhere beside working a lousy restaurant and being used as an intern to the profit of my wealthy boss. I kept crying on an off for the days after, but my parents comforted me and told me it would be hard to find a job after school and that I didn't have to worry about anything they would still support me. 

That's when I decided to go back to Paris. I needed a break for a while. I took that miserable event as an opportunity. I could go home and see my dad, and finally meet his new girlfriend and her children. I could go see my sick grandmother and see my friends. I knew that once I would have a job it would be improbable that I get enough vacation days to go to Europe so we agreed I should go as soon as possible. My last time to go home and come back fresh to LA and start the job search again. As much as I love LA I also was getting sick from the superficiality and loneliness of my new lifestyle. I wanted to take a breather and have a taste back of reality and normal life just to make sure I wouldn't lose myself. 

So I booked a ticket to Paris right on New Year's day. For three weeks. Since then I have been feeling much better and forgot about the incident. Now I was more excited about the trip. I also found a ticket for less than $100 to go see RH in Madrid. I contacted Mikaela to see if I could either go to Sweden to see her, or make her come to Paris or meet somewhere else. And my father has been wanting to travel somewhere for two days with me, and I expressed my interest in Amsterdam or Berlin, we're still debating.

My attitude towards that event has turned positive. After all, everything happens for a reason, and it wasn't really what I wanted to do. Maybe a better opportunity will present itself soon that I would otherwise miss it if I had stayed with them. And even if they contact me when I come back, I don't think I would want to work for them anyways, knowing they could fire me anytime they would be going into downtime. I decided to work part time since last week, and plan to have my last day next Monday. My brother comes from Virginia on Tuesday, and now my hands are untied and I get to spend time with him. 

So here it goes, I get to spend more time with my family that I dearly miss, travel to Europe, and see RH. So things didn't turn out so bad after all. 


Samedi 15 décembre 2012 à 12:54

 Maybe I should calm down on the nightlife. I have been out almost every night for the past two or three weeks, I am getting so tired and  not feeling so well. I think it's defined as unreasonable when the number of nights I go party outnumbered the number of nights I stay in. It's that much that I'm always behind in this diary.

Monday we decided to go out and not contact Apl or his friends and go to AV and just have a fun normal night out in the clubs. Turned out 5 minutes after we came in, Apl, Damien and Hope all walked in so we came to say hi. Apl invited us to his table. Turned out Damien was djing that night at the club. 
Once again, right after we just got seated all the girls came in to take a a picture with Apl. Great. Well M. showed up as well with one of his older friends from London. I didn't acted jealous but M knew. We still had a good time, Somehow doing something illegal openly in the club seemed to be perfectly acceptable in my mind. Apl's friend rolled up a joint and we started smoking, right in front of the security guard. It's surprising all the things you can do when you're hanging around with people who either have money or fame, or both. I got Apl to want me again. We all left to go to his house, and I was so high I had to leave my car once again and ride with them. What happened happened. And I can assure you that it will never happened again. I will he has some weird sexual habits that I won't disclosed that definitely turned me off.  He wanted me to sleep there but he can't sleep with the tv on. Again, constant stimulation in his life and not one minute of peace and quiet, even when he sleeps. J and I had to be at work in the morning (really, in a couple of hours) so I went back down with Apl while we waited for the taxi. I think what also bothers me is the fact that everyone knows what I've done when I come up and down the stairs with him. So much for being low key. Huge lack of privacy, everyone knows his whereabouts all the time. 
After that I decided to stop texting him and so did he. I know my reasons but will never be sure of his, They're leaving for their tour to Asia and he will be djing in Brazil for New Years and I will be gone for three weeks in January so this is the end of it really. Back to my normal life. 

Lundi 10 décembre 2012 à 12:40

 I've been irrationally upset for the past two days because Apl ignored my text and didn't call or write me at all. B and I are very different but such close friend for the only reason that she's the only one who seemed to be able to speak for my own feelings that I am incapable of analyzing myself. When I asked J what was wrong with me, and why I was getting jealous of the thought of him finding another girl (which really, isn't that hard, just have to walk in any club), she just assumed that it wasn't because I care about him, but just because I care about that lifestyle and I wasn't having the upper hand this time. Is that really it? Then I told B what happened and here what she told me when I asked her why I was so upset and jealous without being able to tell him anything: 

"you're like that with a lot of guys. that's why you're not possessive, you don't like to show your romantic side a lot ...yeah i mean all guys are idiots. you have to show them how you feel or they'll start assuming....i mean even at school you didn't let anyone get really close to you. and when they sort of did, you pushed them away and acted like you didn't care then later you felt bad"

..."I don't think you care that much the jet set life ive seen video proof, if you cared about that then you would be more excited to be in front of the camera, you'd be floored that a celebrity bought you 200 dollars roses" 

So which explanation is right? B's explanation seemed more logical. 
But then I started thinking, am I upset at him or upset at myself?
 That I am incapable of expressing any sympathy or feelings towards any guys I meet (except RH who ironically is the only one I can't have) so they always end up walking away. That I only seem to realize once they're gone that I care, and still I am too proud to show it and just decide to move on instead. It's true I seemed very cold hearted on the surface, and show no sign of affection towards anyone I am interested in. In fact, I am not even nice to them. But I have no problem pouring my heart out to my friends and telling them all my worries. Just not to the person I am suppose to tell. No wonder Ray replaced me by that other girl. I could only tell him I missed him once I felt I was loosing him. What he did was wrong, but I can't even blame him they are good for each other. 

The problem really comes from me. I don't trust anyone and always associate expressing my affection/feelings with a sign of weakness after all my failed past experience. So then I have acted the same in Hong Kong, in Savannah, and now Los Angeles. And in most cases I regretted it. Then every guy I met are left with a bitter taste of me, and never know if I ever cared about them. Story of my life. 

And what do I do to remedy to my new failure? Going clubbing tomorrow. Did I solve the problem? Nop but I guess I am learning for next time... or not. It's crazy how this mindset always pulls me back.

Truth is, even if I decide to change, this case is different from others. You have to pull other factors:

He is a celebrity, I am a commoner. He has a Cadillac and a driver, I drive a Toyota Yaris that doesn't even work properly. He is 38, I am 22. He is a millionaire, I am a broke intern. He is at the peak of his career, I am still searching. He has no privacy having people around 24/7, I enjoy my quiet and calm. He is high all the time, I am sober most of the time. He parties almost everyday, I stay in bed and watch movie half of the time.

So if this thing somehow keeps going on, it really isn't really leading anywhere beside having some fun. So really he shouldn't care about me and neither should I. So moving on seem to be a wise decision. 


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