Samedi 24 novembre 2012 à 11:48
I wanted to talk about thanksgiving and all its joyful moments. Instead my mind has drifted to a complete different matter. I've been missing RH since he left, trying to kill these thoughts for so long by going out and meeting around other people, clubbing, bars, etc. But it made it worst. I got so sick of meeting new guys every night, because I feel like repeating myself over and over again. "Hey how are you? Where are you from? What do you study? Where do you work? " blablabla the same questions over and over again. Imagine doing that about 10-15 times a week. It comes to the point where I don't even see the difference between any men I meet. I don't even think I could recognize their faces. Everything is just a big blend of shallow conversations that I can't recall. Three of them texted me tonight to come hang out with them and declined all of them. Even H's invitation to go party with him and Apl. Who cares, I would trade seeing a celebrity to see RH right now if I could. Or if I could use you for a private jet and go to Spain to see RH I would. Before he forgets me.. which he already is in the process of doing. Lately I have been the one writing him first. First bad sign. Then he canceled our skype session. Second bad omen. Then I saw a picture of him and his friend, and a girl who he appeared to be close to. Third bad sign. I can't hold it against him. I knew he was going to be the first to stop talking even though he didn't believe me. Just like John. I never knew I would care so much. I didn't even know I could care at all before I met him. I was surprised when i heard myself telling him I miss him. Because it makes no sense to feel this way, not for spending such a short amount of time with him. We've just been talking so much when he was away that I feel like he knows me more than others. I think it's easier to move on when someone clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore, than when someone isn't with you because you live away from each other, and end up with someone else consequently. It doesn't matter how I feel, what matter is that he doesn't find out how I feel so if he does stop talking to me I don't look so desperate. So I decided to stop talking with him until he do so, and hide all his posts from my fb homepage to avoid those ridiculous jealous feelings to come back, and just focus on my life here. I also think I might have been idealizing him because he left, so this feeling will probably go away eventually...
On top of that I just realized how homesick I was getting. Homesick, well home is here technically...I miss my brother and my mother, and I regret I didn't fly out to North Carolina to spend thanksgiving with both of them. I miss Paris a lot too, and my friends, and the food.. It would have been smarter to have gone there before moving here because now I don't get any long holidays to go anywhere. I also miss Hong Kong... and Madrid..and I'd like to go back to Sweden to see Mikaela. I wish I could be at all those places right now. But what can I say.... People always come and go, drift in and out of my life, nothing's permanent. It's the exciting part about moving around and meeting new people, but also the downfall of it. So as much as people envy my life, I can assure you that you better be a loner to survive my world. No permanent friends, or family around, or places that feel like home. Have to keep a strong mind not to feel lonely and adapt to changes. I have met and left (or been left) so many great people over the years, seen tears and cries when time together came to an end it's been difficult. But as Nicholas Sparks put it so gracefuly:
“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”
So I am crossing my fingers and hoping for this feeling to go away soon.
Dimanche 18 novembre 2012 à 1:18
I should be writing about this week, but something came up again (I swear my life never seem boring). Yuri flew in last night and I got to see her and her friend for lunch a couple hours ago. They work for United Airline so they get to fly inside the country for free. They are going to Las Vegas tonight. I was suppose to drop them at the airport so they could take the next flight, but somehow the whole plan changed......and now I am coming to Vegas too....with my car. So here it goes.... spontaneous trip to Vegas for the weekend! Party there should be interesting.
Vendredi 16 novembre 2012 à 8:27
Thursday
I found out I had gastritis again the day before as I got so sick. I don't know what started it again, it could have been anything really. Smoking, drinking, tomato, meat, stress, anything could be the cause of my gastritis. I was in pain all day at work the day before, trying to pretend I was okay. Out of all the week I could have been sick, I get sick on the week I am being tested to see if they want to hire me. How great. And that day I was really excited, Ryan was going to bring me to showrooms with him to shop for furniture for the projects. I went with him and the other designer Susie at the Pacific Design Center. The showrooms were beautiful. I was so amazed by all the furniture....but also by how expensive they were. Once we had to take a break and go to lunch, my stomach started hurting again....no no no I thought, this is not the day, but I couldn't even walk. Ryan and Susie saw how bad I felt, and they decided to head back. Ryan told me to stay in the car, and got some medicine for me at the office, and told me to take the day off and to feel better. Can you ask for a better boss? I didn't want to leave told them I was fine, but I really wasn't that day so it was a good thing I went home. I cramped out for the rest of the day until I fell asleep. When I woke up I went to the nearest Urgent Care. I told the doctor what I knew I already have. He prescribed me some medicine but healing the gastritis wasn't the real problem, but what caused it. Again I was told that it was really odd at my age to get it so often and something was wrong. He told me I either had a bacterial infection in my stomach or...a tumor... And in either case I had to take blood samples the following week to find out what it is. Well thanks doctor, for telling me I might have a tumor in the most calm way. Good thing I am not paranoid and it didn't worried me at all. But it made my mother so upset when I told her. The only reason I am so calm is because doctors here are always so dramatic. I was told when I was 15 I had tuberculosis, but they made a mistake, then I was told I had a tumor at my breast, before finding out it wasn't anything. So until I get the test results there is nothing to worry about because I was told too many time I might have a fatal disease and so far I am alive and well.
Pacific Design Center
Friday
We got tired of the bar and decided to go out to clubs this weekend, it's been a month. And we were tired of feeling old meeting older men all the time. At least at the club we would be in our age range. S, J and I decided to go to Blok. We've been there once before. Once again we wonder how we would get in. We waited behind a man on the guest list line. The bouncer turned him down. Then it was our turn, and he asked us if we were on the guest list. None of us dared answering, and all whispered no.. Well he said "you're on my guest list now". And we got in. So easy and quick in Hollywood. For the first time, we ran randomly into people we already knew. Thomas was there and invited us to his table, held by Kent. Once again, Kent didn't remember us....it was the fourth time we met him... He might not drink but the drugs compensate way enough the alcohol he is not getting. We didn't meet anyone interesting that night, but it didn't matter, we just wanted to have fun and dance. And we did.
Blok
At the end of the night, we decided to go eat at Juicy Burger. This stupid Asian guy wouldn't stop talking to me in line. Yeah you guys are from London I can tell. Sounded so confident it made him look completely dumb. Can you not hear me speaking French to my roomate? I thought. People are really stupid sometimes. Then while we were trying to eat, the "Juice Burger Officer" wouldn't stop loudly barking order in the most abnoxious way. It's those kind of people who are such losers and have such an inferiority complex that they feel like they have to act like complete jerks at their mediocre job.
He told me to "leave you tray where it's at" while I was going to throw the rest of the food in the trash and leaving the tray above it. Are you the one cleaning after it jackass? No the staff is so shut up about it I thought. I told him I was going to do throw it anyway and didn't need him to tell me what to do. Gosh some people are so irritating you wish you could just punch them.
Jeudi 15 novembre 2012 à 12:01
It's that time of the night again. I'm confused. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have some slight bipolar tendencies.
As much as I like the working environment at my office, and how much I'm learning, something hasn't change: it's not what I want to do. I told my brother a couple months ago that I don't think I wanted to be an interior designer anymore and his reply was : you have the syndrome of "the grass is always greener on the other side".My original plan when I decided to move to LA was to work for a year or two before going back to school for my master in a complete different field. Then after a month here, and working for a week, in my mind I started to plan my life differently. Make a career in interior design didn't seem so bad anymore, now I wanted to have my own firm in 5 years. Everything was fine until I got some free time at the office and stat researching some architecture and design projects. The first article I found was on Mass Design Group, this non profit architectural organization I always wanted to work with. Then I went on a couple non profit architectural organization. I also went on HOK to see all their new sustainable LEED projects.
I have a contact from HOK in Atlanta, who said he could send my resume in Hong Kong. I always thought I should ask him if he could send it to the LA office. I don't know I guess I realized today, what happened to all my dreams of helping out and contributing? What happened to my two major interests, if I was to master in one of them, either architecture or sustainable design so I could work with engineers to come up with new solutions to create net zero building. And I was hoping to work on community projects on the side.
My other last goal, which I informed my mum about and is encouraging me, is journalism and international relations. My writing wasn't good enough until the last few years of college, since my education has been split half French, half American, it took me a while in order to perfect either of those language.
But I always was interested in working for the United Nations, become a diplomat just like my politics teacher wanted me to do, or become a reporter like Lisa Ling investigating and addressing different issues. Those majors can open so many doors, and is so broad, the only thing is that it's so far stretched from design. Is it possible that I ever decide to go back to school? Are my goals achievable? I don't know
But once thing I know, I feel like there is something missing. Is owning my own firm designing houses for the LA socialite fulfilling to my life?
View from my balcony