Well, it's already my birthday in France, considering I was born there, I am technically 23 years old now. But since I'm in LA, I can still cherish my last hour being 22. One good thing is that my quarter life crisis has calmed down. That depressing feeling of not having achieved what I was expecting at this age career and financial wise has passed. Yes I am still confused about my path and my choices this hasn't changed. But I get this chance to be confused. One of my close friend from college came to visit me last week. She brought up V's death again. Her murderer is going on trial next month. I tried to avoid this conversation, probably really cold like I didn't care because I don't like talking about death. I think about her every year, even though I don't tell C. Probably affecting her even more considering it was her roommate. Every time I think about her I am reminded that these awful things happen in real life. I think about her and what she possibly thought the few minutes before she died. How much she has suffered. Being stabbed to death by some crazy guy she didn't even know and left in her car on the side on the road. I think about how her mother must feel thinking about her daughter. Even if this guy they caught is the murderer, he plead not guilty, so how a relieve can it be? That means he's never going to explain why he did it. And that won't bring her back either. Every time I think about her it saddens me. I remember when we brought her to this get together, and we both were talking about how we had a crush on N, who's now married to one of my close friends. I'm so sorry V. for what happened to you, you didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to die like this. I hope you rest in peace. 
C coming here and bringing V murder again made me reflect on my own life. And I was bitching and sad that I had no plans for my birthday when my boyfriend planned this crazy night in SD for my best friend just to have me come down there. I am bitching that I had just two friends to celebrate with and still have nothing special planned. I was bitching because my boyfriend's attempt to surprise me with flowers at my work fell through because we end up fighting over his terrible lie. I was saddened because he has been in camp all week, and I only get one call a night, when I'm half passed out, always around 1am. Shit, why am I even complaining? Those things made me realize how minor my problem are, if there is any. 
I get the chance to grow old. I get the chance to figure out my life. I am healthy. I have a caring boyfriend. I might have only one true friend but she's my best friend.I live in sunny LA. I might not have vacation but I escape on hiking trails once every often. I have a job in my field. 
She doesn't. She was 19. Didn't finish college, will never get to accomplish anything. Left a boyfriend who is truly having a rough time dealing with her death. Death take away people who don't deserve it. Just like a brain tumor took J away. 

Another thing that made me reflect upon myself was this article I read on the torture in the Sinai Peninsula, refugees who get kidnapped into human trafficking and tortured while on the phone with their family to ask for ransom. Some crazy thing. Of course I know there is many more issues going around the world, like my best friend K, whose country (Syria) is a war zone. He has lost so many of his friends and have been more quiet and distant since the start of the war. I am thankful for not having lived through the Vietnam War like my parents or going through what K is going. The fact that awful things happen to people I know such as V or K makes me reflect more on myself than worldly issues. 

I am lucky. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for being able to grow and search myself. I am thankful for not having crossed the path of a murderer. I am thankful for being healthy. Thank you god knows who (destiny?) for letting me live. It's an opportunity and a privilege not granted to everyone. With that said, I am wishing a happy birthday to myself. 

And if you wanna try to give some people the same opportunity, you can like me petitioned here 

Went hiking in Malibu with two friends this weekend. Feels like another world.