Diary of a Stranger

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:38

 And again it's almost 5am and I still can't sleep. Not sure whether or not writing is helping my insomnia really. I guess it can't make it worst.

I miss Hong Kong. I talk to my little D. today. God it's been like 6 months I haven't talk to him. And a year since I have left Hong Kong. We were good friends, well even a little bit more than friends. He has had a girlfriend for almost six months and she was nice, fun, and cute. Last time we skyped he was so sad and lonely, asking me to come back. I am glad he's happy. 

That's the funny thing, in Hong Kong, the first time I had that problem, and probably the last.  I had four or five great, attractive, nice, and respectful guys, all knowing each other, who liked me. But I was only there for four months. I couldn't pick, and I didn't want to be attached at the same time. I made a real mess out there, if I was coming back, I would do everything differently. When you know your time is limited, you act differently. If I was staying longer, I would have take my time to get to know all of them before I pick. 

I think I haven't really figured out that the person I really wanted was R. So I somehow slept with B, the biggest mistake ever on earth. Then went on sleeping with my friend, D. and felt so guilty it would ruin our friendship. I don't really regret it though we had our cute moment. He made breakfast for me. I am usually so scared of parents, but his father was really kind although i came out of his son's bedroom, proposed me to come get lunch with his wife and son, which i respectively declined, then dropped me off to school.

Then it finally came that both Rm and Rp liked me and were flirting with me. My best friend in HK was trying to sort out this mess and help me find who I cared the most out of them. Rm was sweet, he's a model and half of the girls had a crush on him. But for some reason I wasn't attracted to him, this cold perfect beauty has never really been my type. I started being attracted to him when really got to know him and saw how sweet he was with me, he's the one who introduced me to everyone at first and helped me get friends. And I know I hurted him when he saw me later on with his friend. But I was more attracted to Rp. I wasn't good to them really but they were really good to me. I guess it is Karma coming back to hit me in the face right after. One night, we went to Volar, this bar with all those models everywhere, we came with some of them. I felt so uncomfortable around them, I guess after drinking a down couple glass of vodka, i somehow went making out with some of the Elite men model. In front of Rp. I remember feeling so guilty when I woke up the next day. He never really looked at those model, I could tell he had all eyes for me, and the drunk me somehow made a mess. But this whole story did have a cute ending. This whole tension between us two the entire time months we were hanging out. Finally to end up together only the last two days before I was leaving. He was cute. When he kissed me that night, he smiled at me, saying how he's been waiting for that moment for the longest time. We didn't even talk the rest of the time, just kissing so everyone left us and he went home with me. He didn't get much sleep, had to go to work the next day and was working until 3am. I was so happy when he came. Rp was exhausted but still wanted to come out to say goodbye to me. My friend A cried so much it took us an hour to leave each other. 

Then Rp stayed with me, just the two of us. He was walking me back to a taxi. I don't know how that was possible, but I think we kissed for nearly two to three hours, I couldn't even keep track of time, I just know that by the time I had to leave, it was around 7am and the sun was up. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing we would probably never see each other again. But it was the most perfect ending I could have asked for. 

We didn't keep in touch, but I think in the end it was better to end it this way. Because all I keep with me are good memories. I know he started dating this Eastern European model couple months after. But it doesn't matter. He was cute and I will always remember him as such. 

Then everything became a nightmare and start falling apart when I came back to the states. 

I think I came to distrust all men that I even came to ignore the ones who might have been good for me. I met this guy at hermosa pier a few weeks back, while hanging out with my cousin. Dn, he was spanish/italian/polish/mexican. Gorgeous mixed. Perfect body. In massage therapy school and also was a gogo dancer and a striper to pay for school... I didn't judge him and he liked that. He was pretty much the dream of every girl I guess. Except he started talking about how he was a relationship type of guy etc, how I had the most beautiful smile and how pretty I was etc. And called me the next day just to see how I was doing. Then again two days later. Well he did not know that all of his actions participated in scaring me away and me ignoring him. People that seem too clingy like that scares me away. 

On the other hand, I was really into the french asshole who I met in August and slept with the first week I came back to L.A Well he ignored me two weeks and texted me two weeks later saying he was sorry he was sick. So sick you couldn't text back? Then kept wanting to hang out but always ignoring me the day off. After being ditched about 4 times I told him I was done trying to see him two days ago. He hasn't text since. It's sad that it took me that long to realize he wasn't worth it. We always want the one we can't have. 

Well, I realized what he did was in a way, similar to what I did to Dn. After realizing maybe I should have not ignore him, I texted him apologizing two weeks later, using moving into my new place as an excuse. He never texted or call back. I deserved it. 

It's like always seeking for the wrong person. I had a talk with one of my best friend in France today. Telling me that I shouldn't have ignored Dn but instead just telling him what I really felt, telling him to calm down on the things he was saying instead of just running away.

I started feeling lonely lately. 

And I guess the reason why I miss Hong Kong so much is because it gave me hope again at that time, that I could be attracted to someone who was both nice and respectful, and not constantly being attracted to the wrong ones.

But now I feel like I am going down a slope again. I feel lonely, yet I am unable to trust anyone. So I either stay alone or go for the wrong men. 

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:35

 I always wonder why is it that I am always surrounded by amazing and talented friends. Why do they hang out with me, when I have been the almost straight B student while they were straight A's winning awards and recognition here and there. 

CC, whose parents are already famous in France for their amazing documentary, is following their steps. She just submitted her bumper for the upcoming film festival, amazing work as always and already had some of her work aired on Discovery Channel.

One of my best guy friends, K, won the architecture awards in my school, along with his best friend then he went on to Harvard for summer. I miss his best friend. We always liked each other, but he had history with one of my friend and I could never do that to her. It was like that story that could never be. He went to Harvard for his master, tried to convince me to move to Boston this summer, but I moved to the west coast and he slowly stopped talking to me, which I expected to happen. 

My ex best guy friend was also the most talented furniture designer I have ever seen. 

JH, already had his work on our school book, and work freelance with many people, is also going to become a promising illustrator along with M.B. E is also an amazing photographer, already noticed by some really renowned photographers when she had her portfolio reviewed, and now has her own studio in Paris. 

DH is doing his master in Architecture while already having his own firm.... 

And my group of industrial design friends all happened to be the best of their class too... 

I also got along with my architectural history professor, ended up having a one hour long conversation about everything, from the economy, finance, to architecture one day. He is one of the smartest and knowledgeable individual I ever met, earning his Phd at M.I.T, teaching one of my favorite class. 

I also knew this other talented teacher. He was the closest friend I had last summer when I was abroad. We liked each other but nothing never happened. Not that I wanted anything, he had a girlfriend. 

Then as previously mentioned there was DD. and then that professor from one of the most prestigious architecture school who i met in HK. 

And my two closest friend from my first school in Paris. M, whom I shared my politic class with, was a straight A student, who didn't even have to put that much effort, and was offered a full scholarship to our school. She turned it down and went back to Sweden, and double majored statistics and politics. And M, who was one of the first people I met at that school, now 22 and in NYU, at her second and last year of master, already working for the US Court and getting all those internships in the government....While all I earned was a B.F.A in interior design....


My point being.... What is it that I am always around people like them? 


I thought it was always the pressure of the family that made my self esteem so bad. 

With a grandfather general of the South Vietnamese Army, a grandmother who educated herself, became a famous lawyer and sign the Vietnamese Peace Treaty, and the rest of the family going from refugee camps to becoming successful individuals, all of them becoming successful, one even millionaire. And a brother whom at my age went to Vietnam to work in a hospital, and formed his own association, finding lawyer, teachers, and partners to get this thing going,  which is now going to be reviewed by the World's organization. On top of that he is attending medical school. 

But it's also my friends. I feel so stupid next to them. I have disappointed half of my teachers, going from straight As up until midterm, and always sinking when finals hit and ending up with a B. It hurts my eyes to look at my own projects when I work on my portfolio. 

They are all doing so well, while I still have no clue what I am really doing with my life. 

What is it that makes them confide in me and become my friends. I don't know what is it that makes those successful men care about me either. I feel like 5 years from now, they will all become renowned and successful people, and I will probably be lagging behind. 

Then maybe they will realize that they shouldn't have anything to do with me.. 

Why is it that every time one of my friends get recognition, I feel happy for them but but feel worst about myself? 


Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:33


Yesterday I should have been happy. I got a call from one of the interior design firm I emailed, I have to come in for an interview this upcoming Wednesday. Hopefully that will go well. 

I worked again at the restaurant yesterday. I brought my computer and was working in the office on researching and designing brochures for them. This office is the worst office I have ever seen, especially from an interior designer point of view. I will admit it, I didn't find myself to be very useful, my creativity doesn't flow when working in a crappy environment. 

Another girl was hosting that day so I could work in the office most of my shift. Except she kept missing some calls so I was picking them up from the office. Well one of them I wish I never picked. It was the owner, which I was completely clueless of who he was. He yelled at me saying I didn't introduce myself properly saying " N. Restaurant, how may I help you", when I should have said "Thank you for calling N restaurant and Lounge, this is C, how may I assist you" and yelled at my manager friend F about my incompetence.... I felt so bad. I thought he would get fired or I would get fired.

Seeing the expression on my face, F. kept reassuring me that it was okay. I think what makes me really guilty is that I know that one of the hostess I was working with and was training me is about to get fired. And I know she is more competent than me, at least right now. So I am scared other employees will be mad that F. keep me and will think it's because I am friends with me, not because I am good at my job... And maybe it's true. 

My networking has always went down the drain. Because most of the time it's guys. I met this teacher from a really prestigious Architecture school that I always dreamed to go, wAhen I was asking direction to the taxi in Hong Kong. He was now teaching in HK and owned his own architecture firm there. Well he gave me his business card and he wanted to meet me again and show me his work and all. I was really excited. Well turn out he kept calling me to have dinner or at 10pm to have drinks, and I felt awkward. I am half your age, I just want to see your work and how you're designing, not get a drink late at night with you. 

So that didn't really work out. 

Then there was D. Well, that I guess it was my fault, I made the mistakes of hooking up with him in the back of his car in San Diego when I was 19. Then he went from that interesting person to that disgusting guy completely obsess with having sex with me and kept saying how it was the best one ever...yeah i was drunk and no I don't remember that being as awesome as he said.

Anyways, he lives in L.A now. And when he talked to me again on chat he was back to being that interesting friend I used to know so I  agree to meet him. He just sold his script to a big film company and will be directing it sometime this year. I know he's about to be a famous film director. He said he worked with Bravo and could introduce me to that interior design guy on this TV show and I could work with him. Except of course, I found out he hasn't changed, and still wanted to sleep with me. How far am I suppose to go to get a job, really? Sleeping with him to lend on a TV show? That would be some form of prostitution to me. 

It's been two weeks I haven't called him back, and not really planning to do so. 

Then yes, I ended up taking the restaurant job that F offered me. I am his assistant, the graphic designer, the hostess, and the decorator. I thought it was a good job until yesterday. On top of being yelled at and feeling the pressure. It's not just that. I realized he probably hired me because he was interested in me. I know the other employees keep bitching about him. And I know he doesn't treat them the same way he treats other employees. We gave me half of his subway during lunch and then invited me to go get diner with him during my shift and he paid for it. Two days ago he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said no. What kind of guy ask that unless they're interesting. Then during the diner, he asked me "so when are you gonna invite me to your apartment?" I wasn't sure what he meant.... No wonder his girlfriend, the sort of knock off version of Kim Kardashian, hates me. I would probably hate me too. With being yelled at, and the way he acted, everything made me so uncomfortable, so when he asked me if I wanted the weekend off, I gladly accepted. I need some time off from all this craziness.

I am sad.I grew up with guys and have always got along more with guys than girls. But with that and my previous college experience I understand now that you cannot have guy friends unless they are gay. And maybe it was a good think that I studied interior design, even though I hate this all girly environment, at least this kind of situation will not happened so often in my field...

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:24

 Today was my first day of work as a hostess in F.'s restaurant. I will be working there at night and weekend while applying for interior design jobs. Well, I walked into an unusual situation. Without our knowledge, a major film set was going on inside. They somewhat made a mess, filling up almost every part of the place. Half naked girls with weird make up everywhere, business men, crazy weird actors, about maybe 60 people squeezed into the place. Some horror movie apparently. Around 6 pm, they freed the bar/lounge side of the restaurant so we could still serve food. However, they took over the main entrance as well, and I ended up standing right outside the doors of the bar freezing the entire night (yes it is cold at night in L.A). Well, this place has so much potential such a beautiful restaurant. Except the kitchen, the staff area, and the food is a disaster as of now. F just came in as the restaurant manager and is gonna change everything. Half of the staff is awful so he's going to fire them. And F. is gonna introduce me to his interior design friends and we're gonna make a few design changes to the restaurant. 

I know my roomate hates him (considering he is her ex roomate and it didn't go well at all), and doesn't trust him, but so far he did kept his word and offer me a job. He also said he would take me out sometimes so I could meet more people, considering I don't have many friends in L.A and find me an interior design job. We'll see. I am still applying until then.  

Yesterday, my roomate brought her friend who is also the person training her at the hotel she is working at. She knows everyone in L.A and offer to go to this famous Japanese restaurant Katana, and introduce me to the owner/manager and ask them if he can hire me. Also my roomate gave me a list of all those nice restaurant in West Hollywood that I could call to see if they hire. So I have been debating whether or not to work at F's restaurant. Networking and money might be a little better in those other restaurant. But again, it's always talk and I needed something immediately since my mum is only going to pay for rent next month but not anything else, and F was the first one to proposed so I went along. 

Anyways, it was an okay day, the only fun part of the day was to see Troian Bellisario aka Spencer Hastings from Pretty Little Liars, walking by, starring at me, then saying how she's never been inside and how cool the bar looks like, then kept walking with her friend. I never imagine her as a hipster it's funny. She looks so laid back and nice, not one of those snobby Hollywood actors. Last time, I saw BJ Novak jogging while walking to Runyon Canyon with J. It happens so often here, I'm still not used to this whole Hollywood thing.

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:21

All right, I'm transferring all my article from my bloggers, since I seem to keep getting spams frequently on the other platform. So here we go again......

So I guess I’ll be writing my daily adventures on here. Haven’t kept a blog since high school.This blog will stay anonymous to my friends and entourage. I will never mention my name either. I do not need you to judge or criticize me this is something I am doing for myself so either read it or leave it :) I know I am far from being the role model here. 

 My life a little crazy, with random and unexpected things constantly happening to me. I think there must be a problem with the way I am living my life because so many of my friends tell me I should write a novel, or have my life made into a show, or want to write themselves about my adventures since my life seems to be so entertaining to everyone….so here it is, I am keeping a record of my stories here and I am hoping that writing all my thoughts down will help my sleeping issues since so many things seems to be running through my brain 24/7. Even though I am not sure where to start really, so much has happened in the last few weeks I don’t think I can go back writing on it.

I recently turn 22, graduated of college last month, and yet my life is still unstable when on the other half of my friends and classmates are in either stable relationship, pregnant, engaged, or married. Gosh, they make me feel so old, yet I am so far from that point of my life, I feel like an irresponsible young lady.

I just moved to L.A, and I think it’s only starting to really hit me now. I’m not sure why I moved there, it was sort of an impulsive move and I wanted a reason to leave Georgia. I couldn’t go back to Paris because my father moved in with his new girlfriend and her kids in an apartment in the 15th, so no bedroom for me, and I couldn’t stay in Charlotte with my mum due to tension between me and the stepdad, plus I never even lived there and I don’t like it. So I guess looking at the situation, although I do feel a bit lonely, this was by far the best option I had. And J. is here. My only friend but one of my best friend (considering I moved so many times I have “best friend” for each place I lived). I rather have few friends I can rely on rather than multiple friends I cannot trust. And I have relatives here and all over California. So I think it was a wise decision. But I think what really got me thinking about moving here was that night out in Hollywood with J. when I came in August. At that point everything had fell apart the previous month, between the ex getting engaged, the best guy friend betraying me and the new guy I was seeing dumping me for my Asian neighbor on the first floor, and the horrible teacher I had. That trip to LA and the family reunion at Napa Valley was a breather from all this craziness. For the first time I was going out, nobody knew me it felt great. And we met those two guy models down the street inviting us to join them to their table at the club. Me, who never looked at people in Savannah, had my eyes constantly upon all those attractive men everywhere. Then I get out of the club and meet this really cute French guy whom I met again couple weeks ago. I guess after a boring and harsh summer this night was an excitement.

But now I moved here, me and J both quickly realized that making friends in L.A was actually harder than we thought it would be. The nightlife in Hollywood quickly got old. Yes, it’s nice, we never pay or go wait in line for the clubs because somehow we always get lucky and get approached by promoters or guys inviting us to come with them before we even walked into any clubs, and always end up drinking greygoose vodka all night long. But in exchange of what? Ending up all night with guys that want to get in your pants, or people that think they are some sort of superstar, all those wannabe actors/models, and promoters who think they are so important.

People are beautiful but no one is interesting….no one to have an actual conversation with. No potential friends. It’s weird, I always had more guy friends than girlfriends but here, it’s a different story. And this is a driving city. I can’t just walk and meet people off the street really.
Here I either get the guy who wants to sleep with me or the guy who get so overly romantic and keep complimenting me and talking about relationship it makes me go crazy. I wish someone would just wanna talk to me, normally. Did everyone forget how to have a normal conversation? How to really connect with others?

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