anonymousdiary - Diary of a StrangerAnonymous diary. French American Asian designer living in L.A.Cowbloghttp://anonymousdiary.cowblog.frThu, 01 Aug 2013 08:26:15 +0200180When we forget what matters the mostThu, 01 Aug 2013 08:26:00 +0200Thu, 01 Aug 2013 08:26:00 +0200http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/when-we-forget-what-matters-the-most-3247202.htmlanonymousdiaryWell, it's already my birthday in France, considering I was born there, I am technically 23 years old now. But since I'm in LA, I can still cherish my last hour being 22. One good thing is that my quarter life crisis has calmed down. That depressing feeling of not having achieved what I was expecting at this age career and financial wise has passed. Yes I am still confused about my path and my choices this hasn't changed. But I get this chance to be confused. One of my close friend from college came to visit me last week. She brought up V's death again. Her murderer is going on trial next month. I tried to avoid this conversation, probably really cold like I didn't care because I don't like talking about death. I think about her every year, even though I don't tell C. Probably affecting her even more considering it was her roommate. Every time I think about her I am reminded that these awful things happen in real life. I think about her and what she possibly thought the few minutes before she died. How much she has suffered. Being stabbed to death by some crazy guy she didn't even know and left in her car on the side on the road. I think about how her mother must feel thinking about her daughter. Even if this guy they caught is the murderer, he plead not guilty, so how a relieve can it be? That means he's never going to explain why he did it. And that won't bring her back either. Every time I think about her it saddens me. I remember when we brought her to this get together, and we both were talking about how we had a crush on N, who's now married to one of my close friends. I'm so sorry V. for what happened to you, you didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to die like this. I hope you rest in peace. 
C coming here and bringing V murder again made me reflect on my own life. And I was bitching and sad that I had no plans for my birthday when my boyfriend planned this crazy night in SD for my best friend just to have me come down there. I am bitching that I had just two friends to celebrate with and still have nothing special planned. I was bitching because my boyfriend's attempt to surprise me with flowers at my work fell through because we end up fighting over his terrible lie. I was saddened because he has been in camp all week, and I only get one call a night, when I'm half passed out, always around 1am. Shit, why am I even complaining? Those things made me realize how minor my problem are, if there is any. 
I get the chance to grow old. I get the chance to figure out my life. I am healthy. I have a caring boyfriend. I might have only one true friend but she's my best friend.I live in sunny LA. I might not have vacation but I escape on hiking trails once every often. I have a job in my field. 
She doesn't. She was 19. Didn't finish college, will never get to accomplish anything. Left a boyfriend who is truly having a rough time dealing with her death. Death take away people who don't deserve it. Just like a brain tumor took J away. 

Another thing that made me reflect upon myself was this article I read on the torture in the Sinai Peninsula, refugees who get kidnapped into human trafficking and tortured while on the phone with their family to ask for ransom. Some crazy thing. Of course I know there is many more issues going around the world, like my best friend K, whose country (Syria) is a war zone. He has lost so many of his friends and have been more quiet and distant since the start of the war. I am thankful for not having lived through the Vietnam War like my parents or going through what K is going. The fact that awful things happen to people I know such as V or K makes me reflect more on myself than worldly issues. 

I am lucky. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for being able to grow and search myself. I am thankful for not having crossed the path of a murderer. I am thankful for being healthy. Thank you god knows who (destiny?) for letting me live. It's an opportunity and a privilege not granted to everyone. With that said, I am wishing a happy birthday to myself. 



And if you wanna try to give some people the same opportunity, you can like me petitioned here 
http://www.avaaz.org/en/petition/Egypt_Sinai_Stop_torture_camps/?pv=29


http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/hiking.jpg
Went hiking in Malibu with two friends this weekend. Feels like another world. 








]]>Corrupted MindsMon, 08 Jul 2013 04:57:00 +0200Mon, 08 Jul 2013 04:57:00 +0200http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/corrupted-minds-3245001.htmlanonymousdiary  My brother is convinced I have the syndrome of "the grass is always green on the other side". Well it might be true, but should anyone settle for what they have when they know they could be doing better? Isn't being curious and questioning your life human? I actually think I'm starting to pin point the problem. I think I am scared that living in Los Angeles will change me. I didn't want to become materialistic but look around me everyday: there is as many Porsche and Mercedes than there is Toyota and Honda if not more. I design for clients who would spend 1.5 million dollars just to furnish their houses. Most of the houses we design range from 2 to 40 million dollars. My boss had to design this box for his client's watches and shipped them from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Guess how much the insurance was on them? $100,000 for 6 watches. His cars are worth 1 million. Is this even real? When I draw the floor plans of our clients house they have sauna, cinema rooms, maids room (which by the way are pretty fancy for maids) guest house infinity pools. Unbelievable. Stay long enough in this environment you start wanting the same thing. 

I remember thinking the opposite when a friend I met during my stay in Beijing and I decided to go backpack in Yunnan China during our break. We stayed in charming towns such as Lijiang or Shangri-La. We also hiked the Tiger Leaping Gorge which was one of the most beautiful hikes I have done. During our trip we met this French family, a women with her son and her boyfriend. They saved up and decided to go travel around for two years staying mostly in hostels here and there. They took the Transsiberia train from Russia and stopped in Mongolia. There they bought camping equipment, two horses and camp there for two months.  During rough weather a nomadic group took them in and  the french kid played with the other nomadic children. How crazy the bond you can make with a culture so different from yours and people who don't even speak the same language. The french woman showed us picture it looked amazing what a priceless experience. They were next heading to Thailand and Vietnam. I remember when we were in Shangri La, we went to a local bar and some local Tibetans invited us to their table and offered us drinks and were so welcoming even though I could not understand a thing they were saying. Those are the experience that no money can never buy. I remember thinking : why would anyone want to live in a metropol, get a mondane job do the same thing everyday when they could experience something like this? Sure this french family was traveling on a small budget, but I felt like it was much more fulfilling to be able to bond with locals than to travel in a five start hotel visiting touristic sites. 
 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/DSC01970.jpg
The lovely town of Lijiang, China
 
How can one mind change so quickly from one year to the next? You tell me if I am crazy or not, possibly. One's environment can be a strong influence.  I just feel like staying in LA deteriorates my previous values. Becoming obsess with success, wealth and look. 
 
Also the major problem I have is making new friendships. It has been so difficult. And very sad since ever S moved back. I had the perfect roommate and perfect trio with J and S. But other than that I have made no real friendship. Mostly people pretending to be your friends and flanking on you or ditching you whenever. I don't do one way friendship. I don't feel it so much except this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing because J left town and Cris is in camp somewhere in the desert and I only get one call from a satellite phone once a night. 
 
I have been ditched by supposedly friend from college. What can I say I don't even wanna keep trying after I get ditched like that or get unanswered text. But what a sad 4th of July weekend. Makes me realized how many friends I don't have. Which is odd, because I have always been very social and make friends wherever I go because I moved so much. Only took me 6 weeks to make good friends in Beijing and four months in Hong Kong. Even made friends for the two days I went to Shanghai. Got great friends from college and my friends in Paris are still my close friend I still keep in touch with. 
So what's wrong here. 
 
I am not depressed and miserable with my life, but I think it's worth questioning it. Am I crazy for having my values switching from on year to the next? Possible. If I stay here, five years from now will I become that typical materialistic money driven person from LA? 
]]>Meanwhile SociallySat, 06 Jul 2013 09:51:00 +0200Sat, 06 Jul 2013 09:51:00 +0200http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/meanwhile-socially-3244845.htmlanonymousdiarySocial wise not much going on. I gave up my old lifestyle to be with my boyfriend and get myself together. No more ridiculous drinking, smoking and party at no time. No more access to famous Djs. I see A lister here and there at small clubs I sometime go such as Miley Cyrus, Lucy Hale, Sean Kingston, it's kind of whatever now, they're just people really. I saw Nero at Hyde though that was a really nice set. 
I ran into Apl at AV a few weeks back that was awkward. I know my life got a little boring after I decided to stop talking to him. He got to the MTV awards without me, got Joachim Garraud and Madeon at his house, got a table right next to Calvin Harris in Vegas... Oh well but my boyfriend is a good trade off. 
It's just that when someone bring up their name I reminisced and start missing these times. I had a table next to Nero two weeks ago, that was nice, good music. It's still good to have free table and drinks when I go out, but I get no direct contact with anyone it's not as it used to be. I see his friend with Ellie Goulding, Rita Ora, and Mark with Skrillex... 
I know I miss it, but I always remember when I was living that way, I was slowly getting sick of it, high drunk and party everynight, fake people... Gotta keep in mind that this isn't real. I still come out sometimes to see good Djs just like Nero. 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/nero.pngNero, awesome set that night

]]>Summer Update...Sat, 06 Jul 2013 07:58:00 +0200Sat, 06 Jul 2013 07:58:00 +0200http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/summer-update-3244838.htmlanonymousdiaryOverdosed on netflix. Time to diversified my activities. Like writing here, it's been a while. Since the previous post I have been asked to work full time at one of the interior design office so I went from having two, to three, and now to one full time job as a junior designer. It is nice to have a regular schedule and not drive off all the way to Redondo beach one day, Santa Monica the next and Pacific Palisades on weekends. But if I didn't suspect I would get fired and replaced by another person who was willing to work full time if I didn't accept the offer, I would have kept both jobs. Sure,one full time job is good, but reduce the variety of my assigned tasks. Repetitive task leads to boredom, sometimes hate. Imagine drawing on autocad and 3ds max all days, drawing cabinet details, construction drawings and 3d rendering all day for multi millionaires....You start wondering the point in all of this. Is it fulfilling? I like my job as much as I would love accounting work, except I get paid less. I start questioning whether or not I would even liked to have my own firm, questioning every decision made since college, from my career choice, my location to my relationship.
Did I ever considered Los Angeles to be my permanent home before coming here? Never. A year, two tops. Just a transition until I could move further back west. Hong Kong, Shanghai, Melbourne, Saigon? Just explore some more. 
What should I study if I don't study interior design? MBA? MA in Journalism? MA in International Relations? 
I feel like I am heading the wrong direction except I can't seem to find the correct path either. Can't go study and spend more money until I really know, I already have to pay back about $20,000 of loans for my last four years of college. 
I'm a traveler, never stayed in a place too long. Owning my interior design firm would mean staying in LA, starting to network, build my circle, construct a reputation. All these steps involve being in one place. Am I ready for this? 

Do you believe in Chinese Zodiac signs? I do, there description is pretty accurate, almost scary. 
Read this description of the Metal Horse here

Need for independence, changes, new experiences but also success and moving up the ladder. 
See, those are contradictory. If I decide to travel around the world, I will never go up the ladder, I will still be at the bottom career wise by the time I am 30. And if I stay in one place I have more chance to become a project manager or being my own boss by that same age. So how can I get both? 

And how can I travel and have a serious relationship? 

I have the relationship I want but not the lifestyle I want. 
Anyone who knows my past history knows my awful record with men (so much that a lot of my friends have suggested that I write a book or make a tv show out of it) , haven't been able to find one good working relationship. Until now. 
Usually things get a little shaky past three months I start discovering the dark side of my partners (if it last that long) and I start getting into major fights. 
But not with Cris. So far so good, things are only getting better. I have been with him for over five months now. I finally found after 22 years someone I could trust, who I know would not cheat on me, or reveal some drug addiction or gang or secret son or bipolar symptoms. Someone who respects me, and do things no one ever did for me. He even went to my friends' wedding in Georgia and met my mother and stepfather in Charlotte.They love him. The only one I have presented to my mother in my entire life he is pretty special. The only thing I have to worry about is that my boyfriend doesn't get killed by the cartel. Yes, that's a big problem. Instead of worrying he is cheating on me, I have to worry he didn't get shot when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. Advice for everyone, do not date a federal agent, border patrol or any law enforcement for that matter. I wish he would work a desk job. But I think I fell for him. I probably do love him just haven't been able to say more than "I like you" because I am so stubborn and determined not to become one of those romantic cheesy couple. 

I am about to turn 23 years old in a month and having some sort of early midlife crisis. Time seems to fly by. My stepsister got engaged today, she's turning 25 this year crazy isn't it? One of my cousin got engaged a month ago and another one has a baby. Half of the girls who graduated with me are now married and some with kids. Have I already reach that age I have to get married? 
It feels like it should be the same way for me, but my head is still as cloudy and confused as it was at 18. Still unsure about the path I am taking with my life. And you would think that time would make things clear. They didn't for me. Just as confused but adding the financial burden and responsibilities with it.
And the lack of vacation. No vacation for a year, one week of vacation next year. Harsh. Very harsh for someone who is passionate about traveling.
Not that I have much money left. Between rent, electricity, internet, phone, IRA and the $400 taken of my checks for taxes per month, there is not much left saved. Can't believe how much money I would have if I was leaving with my parents like half of the people of my age. But financial independence is too important for me. One thing I am glad of: being able to pay all of it with my own money at 22. 

I just watched the Rebound with Catherine Zeta Jones. She falls for a 25 year old. In the end they split up because they need to lead complete different lifestyle, but end up back together five years later. Makes me thing. If I decide to travel and come back in a few years, will Cris still be waiting for me? Or would he be engaged/married like half of the guys I have been with before him? Is there really such thing as "If you are meant to be you will end up together again?" I know if I didn't meet Cris, I would probably have already moved to another country. But do I want to risk losing someone so special to live the life I want...but lonely? I can't tell if I will regret not traveling, or traveling and losing Cris. See the problem with Federal agents is that they really can't work anywhere else but in this country. So he can't follow me even if he wanted to... Life always give you difficult choices doesn't it? 

To move or not to move? Stay in interior design or go back to get my master? Master in what? Live where? Is staying for love worth it?
I just feel like those questions will stay unanswered unless I go see a counselor or psychologist. Except knowing my last doctor appointment cost me $800 (welcome to usa yay) I don't think I would be able to afford talking to one. 
Until them, I will keep living the same way and let time go by... 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/cad-copie-1.jpg
My job is so fun...Isn't it?





]]>2months later haSun, 07 Apr 2013 05:33:00 +0200Sun, 07 Apr 2013 05:33:00 +0200http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/2months-later-ha-3235770.htmlanonymousdiaryHello there,

Once again, I forgot about my blog what can I say, things got so busy the past three months.
Since that night at Stingaree I have been dating Cris


.I have been working two interior design jobs, one as a design assistant,  Monday and Wednesday in Redondo Beach, and as a junior designer on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday in West L.A. We have been moving in a new office space and I love my new desk :)

http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4836copy.jpg



My roomate graduated with her Master and left us two weeks ago to go back to France. We spent the weekend before she left in Vegas with J. Had fun again with my little crew once again. It was the first time in a while we went out. I kinda stop going out so much to the clubs after I start dating Cris and J and S were getting sick of it anyway. But it was refreshing to go again. Fedde happened to DJ that night at XS Club so we got to see him again.


http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4771.jpg
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4769.jpg


Pretty nice club. I tried to see if Mark would be in Vegas so we could all hang out together but he was on tour in Australia and going to Miami. Unfortunetely we didn't end up being able to talk to Fedde because they were so many people. J took off with some British guys and Me and S somehow ended up hanging out in Enrique Iglesias' Suite at the Encore hotel. One man working for him invited us after the clubs. Kinda random surprised, I guess it was a good fall back for not being able to meet Fedde. We didn't know what was more exciting, Enrique or the Suite. Because it was amazing. Here is a picture

http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4782copy.jpg


And I'm having diner and about to take off downtown so here go will write later. Yes I am terrible at this once again.



]]>ShiftSat, 02 Feb 2013 13:27:00 +0100Sat, 02 Feb 2013 13:27:00 +0100http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/shift-3229031.htmlanonymousdiaryNo lies, he is the sweetest guy I have ever met. We've been talking and writing each other everyday since we met. He helped me planned an amazing birthday weekend for my best friend whom he met only one hour of his life. He got us, not a room, but a suite, at the Solomar Hotel, a very nice hotel in the Gas Lamp quarter in downtown San Diego. He refused us to drive, and drove all the way from San Diego to Los Angeles to pick my best friend, my roomate and I. Drove out another hour so that we could eat at this Vietnamese restaurant in OC I wanted to check out, then two more hours back to San Diego. He even cooked a Philipino dish for me, I was just kidding and I had no idea he would actually do it. He also bought me an electric cigarette because I told him I wanted to quit. The first ten minutes spending with him I was already moved by all the things he did for me. And it wasn't over, he even booked a table at Stingaree, the club across the hotel. The hotel and the table service, and the two bottles cost him at least a $1000. He hates clubbing but he wanted my best friend to have the best birthday and to make me happy that he got us in the most fancy club of san diego and even bought new shirt, shoes, and pants because he never dresses up. All this, for a girl that yes he talked everyday for a month, but only met before one night. And he didn't even kiss me that first night. No one has ever gone through all this trouble just to make me and my friends happy. I couldn't believe it. After the club closed (welcome to california where all the bars and clubs close at 2am...) we all went back to the suite to keep drinking. 

(I am passing out so I will finish this story later)


]]>Awful BloggerSat, 02 Feb 2013 12:40:00 +0100Sat, 02 Feb 2013 12:40:00 +0100http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/awful-blogger-3229029.htmlanonymousdiaryWell, yes I am really awful at keeping up with this blog. In fact the more things that happen, the less I write about it. Since I last posted I have met Cris whom I will talk about in a bit. I have been to Las Vegas with my entire family (direct) and my mum's relatives, a unique occasion considering my parents are divorced and don't live on the same continent, and my mother, brother, and I live respectively in North Carolina, Virginia, and California. Yes, I spent Christmas Eve being a sinner, gambling and drinking in the casino (Christmas is really just an excuse to get together, we're not religious). I came back to LA for New Year's Eve at Roxbury and turned out not to be a very good night. I then went back to Paris for three week to see my father, which was very a breather for me, and refreshing since I also got to see my friends whom I have dearly missed. I went to Madrid so I could finally see RH. We spent three days together and did not do anything until I kissed him when we were saying goobye. Why? Because we were both waiting for the other to send signals so we could make a move. Anyways, we realized we were pretty stupid afterwards and that was the last time we could see each other, so end of a love story that didn't really start. That's what happened when you don't see someone for three months, you don't know how to react when you see them again. It doesn't matter because I think he was hiding something from me, I think we was dating someone in Spain. Really stupid to lie about that, because I wouldn't have got mad considering we don't live in the same country.

But everything is okay because I met Cris. 

 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4459c.jpg
Yes, I was in Paris when it snowed. 
]]>Turning negative into positive.Sun, 16 Dec 2012 13:37:00 +0100Sun, 16 Dec 2012 13:37:00 +0100http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/turning-negative-into-positive-3221336.htmlanonymousdiary I missed to mention what happened in my professional life. Two weeks ago I asked Ryan about my situation, since I was suppose to be on a week trial before him telling me whether I was hired or not. But I was already at my fourth week and had no answer.  When I confronted him, he told me we were wrapping two big projects but after that it would be slow and he wouldn't know if he could hire anyone until the beginning of next year.... So much for using me. I was furious but kept a smile. Why have a job posted if you never intended to hire? I was originally suppose to work part time as an intern for a month, and worked full time after he told me I was on a week trial. I needed another job to make money on the side and he used me full time from 9-7 sometimes from 9am-9pm. And insinuating in many ways that I was guaranteed to be hired. I was furious and upset. What really hurt me was that I had to ask my parents for money hoping this would turned into a job. And making my parents believed I would get it. I was so scared to tell them. Not so much scared because I know my parents would always be there to support me when in need but scared to disappoint them. I wanted to make them proud, and I did, and totally mislead them. I wanted to prove I was different from my stepsister, that I could get a job within three month, that I could support myself without their help. That I could succeed as much as my big brother. That day I called both my parents and broke down in tears. My loans had come a few days earlier and I found out I had to sent a check to the government around $300 a month to pay off my debts. And my car insurance came up as well I owed $2000 by the end of the year. Now what? I had no money no job. I couldn't pay my own rent, my bills, my groceries, my other expenses by myself. How could I pay off my loans too?  I was so ashamed could not stop crying. I sent an apology email the next day writing a long apology to my parents for being a financial burden. I said I would get two jobs and work 7 days a week to make up for it. But my mum insisted that I don't because I would be more exhausted and would end up being more sick. Telling me I wouldn't end up making more money because my medical bills would get expensive. 
Great, I have the worst immune system on top of that especially because of my time in college where I had to pull so many all nighters. I went to the top program in the country, ruined myself and my parents, and got sick because of all the pressure and the sleep deprivation and it didn't lead me anywhere beside working a lousy restaurant and being used as an intern to the profit of my wealthy boss. I kept crying on an off for the days after, but my parents comforted me and told me it would be hard to find a job after school and that I didn't have to worry about anything they would still support me. 

That's when I decided to go back to Paris. I needed a break for a while. I took that miserable event as an opportunity. I could go home and see my dad, and finally meet his new girlfriend and her children. I could go see my sick grandmother and see my friends. I knew that once I would have a job it would be improbable that I get enough vacation days to go to Europe so we agreed I should go as soon as possible. My last time to go home and come back fresh to LA and start the job search again. As much as I love LA I also was getting sick from the superficiality and loneliness of my new lifestyle. I wanted to take a breather and have a taste back of reality and normal life just to make sure I wouldn't lose myself. 


So I booked a ticket to Paris right on New Year's day. For three weeks. Since then I have been feeling much better and forgot about the incident. Now I was more excited about the trip. I also found a ticket for less than $100 to go see RH in Madrid. I contacted Mikaela to see if I could either go to Sweden to see her, or make her come to Paris or meet somewhere else. And my father has been wanting to travel somewhere for two days with me, and I expressed my interest in Amsterdam or Berlin, we're still debating.

My attitude towards that event has turned positive. After all, everything happens for a reason, and it wasn't really what I wanted to do. Maybe a better opportunity will present itself soon that I would otherwise miss it if I had stayed with them. And even if they contact me when I come back, I don't think I would want to work for them anyways, knowing they could fire me anytime they would be going into downtime. I decided to work part time since last week, and plan to have my last day next Monday. My brother comes from Virginia on Tuesday, and now my hands are untied and I get to spend time with him. 

So here it goes, I get to spend more time with my family that I dearly miss, travel to Europe, and see RH. So things didn't turn out so bad after all. 




 

]]>Might be time to restSat, 15 Dec 2012 12:54:00 +0100Sat, 15 Dec 2012 12:54:00 +0100http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/might-be-time-to-rest-3221210.htmlanonymousdiaryMaybe I should calm down on the nightlife. I have been out almost every night for the past two or three weeks, I am getting so tired and  not feeling so well. I think it's defined as unreasonable when the number of nights I go party outnumbered the number of nights I stay in. It's that much that I'm always behind in this diary.

Monday we decided to go out and not contact Apl or his friends and go to AV and just have a fun normal night out in the clubs. Turned out 5 minutes after we came in, Apl, Damien and Hope all walked in so we came to say hi. Apl invited us to his table. Turned out Damien was djing that night at the club. 
Once again, right after we just got seated all the girls came in to take a a picture with Apl. Great. Well M. showed up as well with one of his older friends from London. I didn't acted jealous but M knew. We still had a good time, Somehow doing something illegal openly in the club seemed to be perfectly acceptable in my mind. Apl's friend rolled up a joint and we started smoking, right in front of the security guard. It's surprising all the things you can do when you're hanging around with people who either have money or fame, or both. I got Apl to want me again. We all left to go to his house, and I was so high I had to leave my car once again and ride with them. What happened happened. And I can assure you that it will never happened again. I will he has some weird sexual habits that I won't disclosed that definitely turned me off.  He wanted me to sleep there but he can't sleep with the tv on. Again, constant stimulation in his life and not one minute of peace and quiet, even when he sleeps. J and I had to be at work in the morning (really, in a couple of hours) so I went back down with Apl while we waited for the taxi. I think what also bothers me is the fact that everyone knows what I've done when I come up and down the stairs with him. So much for being low key. Huge lack of privacy, everyone knows his whereabouts all the time. 
After that I decided to stop texting him and so did he. I know my reasons but will never be sure of his, They're leaving for their tour to Asia and he will be djing in Brazil for New Years and I will be gone for three weeks in January so this is the end of it really. Back to my normal life. 


]]>Behavioral analysisMon, 10 Dec 2012 12:40:00 +0100Mon, 10 Dec 2012 12:40:00 +0100http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/behavioral-analysis-3220504.htmlanonymousdiary I've been irrationally upset for the past two days because Apl ignored my text and didn't call or write me at all. B and I are very different but such close friend for the only reason that she's the only one who seemed to be able to speak for my own feelings that I am incapable of analyzing myself. When I asked J what was wrong with me, and why I was getting jealous of the thought of him finding another girl (which really, isn't that hard, just have to walk in any club), she just assumed that it wasn't because I care about him, but just because I care about that lifestyle and I wasn't having the upper hand this time. Is that really it? Then I told B what happened and here what she told me when I asked her why I was so upset and jealous without being able to tell him anything: 

"you're like that with a lot of guys. that's why you're not possessive, you don't like to show your romantic side a lot ...yeah i mean all guys are idiots. you have to show them how you feel or they'll start assuming....i mean even at school you didn't let anyone get really close to you. and when they sort of did, you pushed them away and acted like you didn't care then later you felt bad"

..."I don't think you care that much the jet set life ive seen video proof, if you cared about that then you would be more excited to be in front of the camera, you'd be floored that a celebrity bought you 200 dollars roses" 

So which explanation is right? B's explanation seemed more logical. 
But then I started thinking, am I upset at him or upset at myself? That I am incapable of expressing any sympathy or feelings towards any guys I meet (except RH who ironically is the only one I can't have) so they always end up walking away. That I only seem to realize once they're gone that I care, and still I am too proud to show it and just decide to move on instead. It's true I seemed very cold hearted on the surface, and show no sign of affection towards anyone I am interested in. In fact, I am not even nice to them. But I have no problem pouring my heart out to my friends and telling them all my worries. Just not to the person I am suppose to tell. No wonder Ray replaced me by that other girl. I could only tell him I missed him once I felt I was loosing him. What he did was wrong, but I can't even blame him they are good for each other. 

The problem really comes from me. I don't trust anyone and always associate expressing my affection/feelings with a sign of weakness after all my failed past experience. So then I have acted the same in Hong Kong, in Savannah, and now Los Angeles. And in most cases I regretted it. Then every guy I met are left with a bitter taste of me, and never know if I ever cared about them. Story of my life. 

And what do I do to remedy to my new failure? Going clubbing tomorrow. Did I solve the problem? Nop but I guess I am learning for next time... or not. It's crazy how this mindset always pulls me back.

Truth is, even if I decide to change, this case is different from others. You have to pull other factors:

He is a celebrity, I am a commoner. He has a Cadillac and a driver, I drive a Toyota Yaris that doesn't even work properly. He is 38, I am 22. He is a millionaire, I am a broke intern. He is at the peak of his career, I am still searching. He has no privacy having people around 24/7, I enjoy my quiet and calm. He is high all the time, I am sober most of the time. He parties almost everyday, I stay in bed and watch movie half of the time.
So if this thing somehow keeps going on, it really isn't really leading anywhere beside having some fun. So really he shouldn't care about me and neither should I. So moving on seem to be a wise decision. 
 

 

]]>