Diary of a Stranger

Lundi 10 décembre 2012 à 12:40

 I've been irrationally upset for the past two days because Apl ignored my text and didn't call or write me at all. B and I are very different but such close friend for the only reason that she's the only one who seemed to be able to speak for my own feelings that I am incapable of analyzing myself. When I asked J what was wrong with me, and why I was getting jealous of the thought of him finding another girl (which really, isn't that hard, just have to walk in any club), she just assumed that it wasn't because I care about him, but just because I care about that lifestyle and I wasn't having the upper hand this time. Is that really it? Then I told B what happened and here what she told me when I asked her why I was so upset and jealous without being able to tell him anything: 

"you're like that with a lot of guys. that's why you're not possessive, you don't like to show your romantic side a lot ...yeah i mean all guys are idiots. you have to show them how you feel or they'll start assuming....i mean even at school you didn't let anyone get really close to you. and when they sort of did, you pushed them away and acted like you didn't care then later you felt bad"

..."I don't think you care that much the jet set life ive seen video proof, if you cared about that then you would be more excited to be in front of the camera, you'd be floored that a celebrity bought you 200 dollars roses" 

So which explanation is right? B's explanation seemed more logical. 
But then I started thinking, am I upset at him or upset at myself?
 That I am incapable of expressing any sympathy or feelings towards any guys I meet (except RH who ironically is the only one I can't have) so they always end up walking away. That I only seem to realize once they're gone that I care, and still I am too proud to show it and just decide to move on instead. It's true I seemed very cold hearted on the surface, and show no sign of affection towards anyone I am interested in. In fact, I am not even nice to them. But I have no problem pouring my heart out to my friends and telling them all my worries. Just not to the person I am suppose to tell. No wonder Ray replaced me by that other girl. I could only tell him I missed him once I felt I was loosing him. What he did was wrong, but I can't even blame him they are good for each other. 

The problem really comes from me. I don't trust anyone and always associate expressing my affection/feelings with a sign of weakness after all my failed past experience. So then I have acted the same in Hong Kong, in Savannah, and now Los Angeles. And in most cases I regretted it. Then every guy I met are left with a bitter taste of me, and never know if I ever cared about them. Story of my life. 

And what do I do to remedy to my new failure? Going clubbing tomorrow. Did I solve the problem? Nop but I guess I am learning for next time... or not. It's crazy how this mindset always pulls me back.

Truth is, even if I decide to change, this case is different from others. You have to pull other factors:

He is a celebrity, I am a commoner. He has a Cadillac and a driver, I drive a Toyota Yaris that doesn't even work properly. He is 38, I am 22. He is a millionaire, I am a broke intern. He is at the peak of his career, I am still searching. He has no privacy having people around 24/7, I enjoy my quiet and calm. He is high all the time, I am sober most of the time. He parties almost everyday, I stay in bed and watch movie half of the time.

So if this thing somehow keeps going on, it really isn't really leading anywhere beside having some fun. So really he shouldn't care about me and neither should I. So moving on seem to be a wise decision. 


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