Diary of a Stranger

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:38

 And again it's almost 5am and I still can't sleep. Not sure whether or not writing is helping my insomnia really. I guess it can't make it worst.

I miss Hong Kong. I talk to my little D. today. God it's been like 6 months I haven't talk to him. And a year since I have left Hong Kong. We were good friends, well even a little bit more than friends. He has had a girlfriend for almost six months and she was nice, fun, and cute. Last time we skyped he was so sad and lonely, asking me to come back. I am glad he's happy. 

That's the funny thing, in Hong Kong, the first time I had that problem, and probably the last.  I had four or five great, attractive, nice, and respectful guys, all knowing each other, who liked me. But I was only there for four months. I couldn't pick, and I didn't want to be attached at the same time. I made a real mess out there, if I was coming back, I would do everything differently. When you know your time is limited, you act differently. If I was staying longer, I would have take my time to get to know all of them before I pick. 

I think I haven't really figured out that the person I really wanted was R. So I somehow slept with B, the biggest mistake ever on earth. Then went on sleeping with my friend, D. and felt so guilty it would ruin our friendship. I don't really regret it though we had our cute moment. He made breakfast for me. I am usually so scared of parents, but his father was really kind although i came out of his son's bedroom, proposed me to come get lunch with his wife and son, which i respectively declined, then dropped me off to school.

Then it finally came that both Rm and Rp liked me and were flirting with me. My best friend in HK was trying to sort out this mess and help me find who I cared the most out of them. Rm was sweet, he's a model and half of the girls had a crush on him. But for some reason I wasn't attracted to him, this cold perfect beauty has never really been my type. I started being attracted to him when really got to know him and saw how sweet he was with me, he's the one who introduced me to everyone at first and helped me get friends. And I know I hurted him when he saw me later on with his friend. But I was more attracted to Rp. I wasn't good to them really but they were really good to me. I guess it is Karma coming back to hit me in the face right after. One night, we went to Volar, this bar with all those models everywhere, we came with some of them. I felt so uncomfortable around them, I guess after drinking a down couple glass of vodka, i somehow went making out with some of the Elite men model. In front of Rp. I remember feeling so guilty when I woke up the next day. He never really looked at those model, I could tell he had all eyes for me, and the drunk me somehow made a mess. But this whole story did have a cute ending. This whole tension between us two the entire time months we were hanging out. Finally to end up together only the last two days before I was leaving. He was cute. When he kissed me that night, he smiled at me, saying how he's been waiting for that moment for the longest time. We didn't even talk the rest of the time, just kissing so everyone left us and he went home with me. He didn't get much sleep, had to go to work the next day and was working until 3am. I was so happy when he came. Rp was exhausted but still wanted to come out to say goodbye to me. My friend A cried so much it took us an hour to leave each other. 

Then Rp stayed with me, just the two of us. He was walking me back to a taxi. I don't know how that was possible, but I think we kissed for nearly two to three hours, I couldn't even keep track of time, I just know that by the time I had to leave, it was around 7am and the sun was up. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing we would probably never see each other again. But it was the most perfect ending I could have asked for. 

We didn't keep in touch, but I think in the end it was better to end it this way. Because all I keep with me are good memories. I know he started dating this Eastern European model couple months after. But it doesn't matter. He was cute and I will always remember him as such. 

Then everything became a nightmare and start falling apart when I came back to the states. 

I think I came to distrust all men that I even came to ignore the ones who might have been good for me. I met this guy at hermosa pier a few weeks back, while hanging out with my cousin. Dn, he was spanish/italian/polish/mexican. Gorgeous mixed. Perfect body. In massage therapy school and also was a gogo dancer and a striper to pay for school... I didn't judge him and he liked that. He was pretty much the dream of every girl I guess. Except he started talking about how he was a relationship type of guy etc, how I had the most beautiful smile and how pretty I was etc. And called me the next day just to see how I was doing. Then again two days later. Well he did not know that all of his actions participated in scaring me away and me ignoring him. People that seem too clingy like that scares me away. 

On the other hand, I was really into the french asshole who I met in August and slept with the first week I came back to L.A Well he ignored me two weeks and texted me two weeks later saying he was sorry he was sick. So sick you couldn't text back? Then kept wanting to hang out but always ignoring me the day off. After being ditched about 4 times I told him I was done trying to see him two days ago. He hasn't text since. It's sad that it took me that long to realize he wasn't worth it. We always want the one we can't have. 

Well, I realized what he did was in a way, similar to what I did to Dn. After realizing maybe I should have not ignore him, I texted him apologizing two weeks later, using moving into my new place as an excuse. He never texted or call back. I deserved it. 

It's like always seeking for the wrong person. I had a talk with one of my best friend in France today. Telling me that I shouldn't have ignored Dn but instead just telling him what I really felt, telling him to calm down on the things he was saying instead of just running away.

I started feeling lonely lately. 

And I guess the reason why I miss Hong Kong so much is because it gave me hope again at that time, that I could be attracted to someone who was both nice and respectful, and not constantly being attracted to the wrong ones.

But now I feel like I am going down a slope again. I feel lonely, yet I am unable to trust anyone. So I either stay alone or go for the wrong men. 

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