Diary of a Stranger

Samedi 6 juillet 2013 à 7:58

Overdosed on netflix. Time to diversified my activities. Like writing here, it's been a while. Since the previous post I have been asked to work full time at one of the interior design office so I went from having two, to three, and now to one full time job as a junior designer. It is nice to have a regular schedule and not drive off all the way to Redondo beach one day, Santa Monica the next and Pacific Palisades on weekends. But if I didn't suspect I would get fired and replaced by another person who was willing to work full time if I didn't accept the offer, I would have kept both jobs. Sure,one full time job is good, but reduce the variety of my assigned tasks. Repetitive task leads to boredom, sometimes hate. Imagine drawing on autocad and 3ds max all days, drawing cabinet details, construction drawings and 3d rendering all day for multi millionaires....You start wondering the point in all of this. Is it fulfilling? I like my job as much as I would love accounting work, except I get paid less. I start questioning whether or not I would even liked to have my own firm, questioning every decision made since college, from my career choice, my location to my relationship.
Did I ever considered Los Angeles to be my permanent home before coming here? Never. A year, two tops. Just a transition until I could move further back west. Hong Kong, Shanghai, Melbourne, Saigon? Just explore some more. 
What should I study if I don't study interior design? MBA? MA in Journalism? MA in International Relations? 
I feel like I am heading the wrong direction except I can't seem to find the correct path either. Can't go study and spend more money until I really know, I already have to pay back about $20,000 of loans for my last four years of college. 
I'm a traveler, never stayed in a place too long. Owning my interior design firm would mean staying in LA, starting to network, build my circle, construct a reputation. All these steps involve being in one place. Am I ready for this? 

Do you believe in Chinese Zodiac signs? I do, there description is pretty accurate, almost scary. 
Read this description of the Metal Horse

Need for independence, changes, new experiences but also success and moving up the ladder. 
See, those are contradictory. If I decide to travel around the world, I will never go up the ladder, I will still be at the bottom career wise by the time I am 30. And if I stay in one place I have more chance to become a project manager or being my own boss by that same age. So how can I get both? 

And how can I travel and have a serious relationship? 

I have the relationship I want but not the lifestyle I want. 
Anyone who knows my past history knows my awful record with men (so much that a lot of my friends have suggested that I write a book or make a tv show out of it) , haven't been able to find one good working relationship. Until now. 
Usually things get a little shaky past three months I start discovering the dark side of my partners (if it last that long) and I start getting into major fights. 
But not with Cris. So far so good, things are only getting better. I have been with him for over five months now. I finally found after 22 years someone I could trust, who I know would not cheat on me, or reveal some drug addiction or gang or secret son or bipolar symptoms. Someone who respects me, and do things no one ever did for me. He even went to my friends' wedding in Georgia and met my mother and stepfather in Charlotte.They love him. The only one I have presented to my mother in my entire life he is pretty special. The only thing I have to worry about is that my boyfriend doesn't get killed by the cartel. Yes, that's a big problem. Instead of worrying he is cheating on me, I have to worry he didn't get shot when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. Advice for everyone, do not date a federal agent, border patrol or any law enforcement for that matter. I wish he would work a desk job. But I think I fell for him. I probably do love him just haven't been able to say more than "I like you" because I am so stubborn and determined not to become one of those romantic cheesy couple. 

I am about to turn 23 years old in a month and having some sort of early midlife crisis. Time seems to fly by. My stepsister got engaged today, she's turning 25 this year crazy isn't it? One of my cousin got engaged a month ago and another one has a baby. Half of the girls who graduated with me are now married and some with kids. Have I already reach that age I have to get married? 
It feels like it should be the same way for me, but my head is still as cloudy and confused as it was at 18. Still unsure about the path I am taking with my life. And you would think that time would make things clear. They didn't for me. Just as confused but adding the financial burden and responsibilities with it.
And the lack of vacation. No vacation for a year, one week of vacation next year. Harsh. Very harsh for someone who is passionate about traveling.
Not that I have much money left. Between rent, electricity, internet, phone, IRA and the $400 taken of my checks for taxes per month, there is not much left saved. Can't believe how much money I would have if I was leaving with my parents like half of the people of my age. But financial independence is too important for me. One thing I am glad of: being able to pay all of it with my own money at 22. 

I just watched the Rebound with Catherine Zeta Jones. She falls for a 25 year old. In the end they split up because they need to lead complete different lifestyle, but end up back together five years later. Makes me thing. If I decide to travel and come back in a few years, will Cris still be waiting for me? Or would he be engaged/married like half of the guys I have been with before him? Is there really such thing as "If you are meant to be you will end up together again?" I know if I didn't meet Cris, I would probably have already moved to another country. But do I want to risk losing someone so special to live the life I want...but lonely? I can't tell if I will regret not traveling, or traveling and losing Cris. See the problem with Federal agents is that they really can't work anywhere else but in this country. So he can't follow me even if he wanted to... Life always give you difficult choices doesn't it? 

To move or not to move? Stay in interior design or go back to get my master? Master in what? Live where? Is staying for love worth it?
I just feel like those questions will stay unanswered unless I go see a counselor or psychologist. Except knowing my last doctor appointment cost me $800 (welcome to usa yay) I don't think I would be able to afford talking to one. 
Until them, I will keep living the same way and let time go by...
My job is so fun...Isn't it?

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