Diary of a Stranger

Lundi 8 juillet 2013 à 4:57

  My brother is convinced I have the syndrome of "the grass is always green on the other side". Well it might be true, but should anyone settle for what they have when they know they could be doing better? Isn't being curious and questioning your life human? I actually think I'm starting to pin point the problem. I think I am scared that living in Los Angeles will change me. I didn't want to become materialistic but look around me everyday: there is as many Porsche and Mercedes than there is Toyota and Honda if not more. I design for clients who would spend 1.5 million dollars just to furnish their houses. Most of the houses we design range from 2 to 40 million dollars. My boss had to design this box for his client's watches and shipped them from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Guess how much the insurance was on them? $100,000 for 6 watches. His cars are worth 1 million. Is this even real? When I draw the floor plans of our clients house they have sauna, cinema rooms, maids room (which by the way are pretty fancy for maids) guest house infinity pools. Unbelievable. Stay long enough in this environment you start wanting the same thing. 

I remember thinking the opposite when a friend I met during my stay in Beijing and I decided to go backpack in Yunnan China during our break. We stayed in charming towns such as Lijiang or Shangri-La. We also hiked the Tiger Leaping Gorge which was one of the most beautiful hikes I have done. During our trip we met this French family, a women with her son and her boyfriend. They saved up and decided to go travel around for two years staying mostly in hostels here and there. They took the Transsiberia train from Russia and stopped in Mongolia. There they bought camping equipment, two horses and camp there for two months.  During rough weather a nomadic group took them in and  the french kid played with the other nomadic children. How crazy the bond you can make with a culture so different from yours and people who don't even speak the same language. The french woman showed us picture it looked amazing what a priceless experience. They were next heading to Thailand and Vietnam. I remember when we were in Shangri La, we went to a local bar and some local Tibetans invited us to their table and offered us drinks and were so welcoming even though I could not understand a thing they were saying. Those are the experience that no money can never buy. I remember thinking : why would anyone want to live in a metropol, get a mondane job do the same thing everyday when they could experience something like this? Sure this french family was traveling on a small budget, but I felt like it was much more fulfilling to be able to bond with locals than to travel in a five start hotel visiting touristic sites.
The lovely town of Lijiang, China
How can one mind change so quickly from one year to the next? You tell me if I am crazy or not, possibly. One's environment can be a strong influence.  I just feel like staying in LA deteriorates my previous values. Becoming obsess with success, wealth and look. 
Also the major problem I have is making new friendships. It has been so difficult. And very sad since ever S moved back. I had the perfect roommate and perfect trio with J and S. But other than that I have made no real friendship. Mostly people pretending to be your friends and flanking on you or ditching you whenever. I don't do one way friendship. I don't feel it so much except this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing because J left town and Cris is in camp somewhere in the desert and I only get one call from a satellite phone once a night. 
I have been ditched by supposedly friend from college. What can I say I don't even wanna keep trying after I get ditched like that or get unanswered text. But what a sad 4th of July weekend. Makes me realized how many friends I don't have. Which is odd, because I have always been very social and make friends wherever I go because I moved so much. Only took me 6 weeks to make good friends in Beijing and four months in Hong Kong. Even made friends for the two days I went to Shanghai. Got great friends from college and my friends in Paris are still my close friend I still keep in touch with. 
So what's wrong here. 
I am not depressed and miserable with my life, but I think it's worth questioning it. Am I crazy for having my values switching from on year to the next? Possible. If I stay here, five years from now will I become that typical materialistic money driven person from LA? 

Samedi 6 juillet 2013 à 9:51

Social wise not much going on. I gave up my old lifestyle to be with my boyfriend and get myself together. No more ridiculous drinking, smoking and party at no time. No more access to famous Djs. I see A lister here and there at small clubs I sometime go such as Miley Cyrus, Lucy Hale, Sean Kingston, it's kind of whatever now, they're just people really. I saw Nero at Hyde though that was a really nice set. 
I ran into Apl at AV a few weeks back that was awkward. I know my life got a little boring after I decided to stop talking to him. He got to the MTV awards without me, got Joachim Garraud and Madeon at his house, got a table right next to Calvin Harris in Vegas... Oh well but my boyfriend is a good trade off. 
It's just that when someone bring up their name I reminisced and start missing these times. I had a table next to Nero two weeks ago, that was nice, good music. It's still good to have free table and drinks when I go out, but I get no direct contact with anyone it's not as it used to be. I see his friend with Ellie Goulding, Rita Ora, and Mark with Skrillex... 
I know I miss it, but I always remember when I was living that way, I was slowly getting sick of it, high drunk and party everynight, fake people... Gotta keep in mind that this isn't real. I still come out sometimes to see good Djs just like Nero., awesome set that night

Samedi 6 juillet 2013 à 7:58

Overdosed on netflix. Time to diversified my activities. Like writing here, it's been a while. Since the previous post I have been asked to work full time at one of the interior design office so I went from having two, to three, and now to one full time job as a junior designer. It is nice to have a regular schedule and not drive off all the way to Redondo beach one day, Santa Monica the next and Pacific Palisades on weekends. But if I didn't suspect I would get fired and replaced by another person who was willing to work full time if I didn't accept the offer, I would have kept both jobs. Sure,one full time job is good, but reduce the variety of my assigned tasks. Repetitive task leads to boredom, sometimes hate. Imagine drawing on autocad and 3ds max all days, drawing cabinet details, construction drawings and 3d rendering all day for multi millionaires....You start wondering the point in all of this. Is it fulfilling? I like my job as much as I would love accounting work, except I get paid less. I start questioning whether or not I would even liked to have my own firm, questioning every decision made since college, from my career choice, my location to my relationship.
Did I ever considered Los Angeles to be my permanent home before coming here? Never. A year, two tops. Just a transition until I could move further back west. Hong Kong, Shanghai, Melbourne, Saigon? Just explore some more. 
What should I study if I don't study interior design? MBA? MA in Journalism? MA in International Relations? 
I feel like I am heading the wrong direction except I can't seem to find the correct path either. Can't go study and spend more money until I really know, I already have to pay back about $20,000 of loans for my last four years of college. 
I'm a traveler, never stayed in a place too long. Owning my interior design firm would mean staying in LA, starting to network, build my circle, construct a reputation. All these steps involve being in one place. Am I ready for this? 

Do you believe in Chinese Zodiac signs? I do, there description is pretty accurate, almost scary. 
Read this description of the Metal Horse

Need for independence, changes, new experiences but also success and moving up the ladder. 
See, those are contradictory. If I decide to travel around the world, I will never go up the ladder, I will still be at the bottom career wise by the time I am 30. And if I stay in one place I have more chance to become a project manager or being my own boss by that same age. So how can I get both? 

And how can I travel and have a serious relationship? 

I have the relationship I want but not the lifestyle I want. 
Anyone who knows my past history knows my awful record with men (so much that a lot of my friends have suggested that I write a book or make a tv show out of it) , haven't been able to find one good working relationship. Until now. 
Usually things get a little shaky past three months I start discovering the dark side of my partners (if it last that long) and I start getting into major fights. 
But not with Cris. So far so good, things are only getting better. I have been with him for over five months now. I finally found after 22 years someone I could trust, who I know would not cheat on me, or reveal some drug addiction or gang or secret son or bipolar symptoms. Someone who respects me, and do things no one ever did for me. He even went to my friends' wedding in Georgia and met my mother and stepfather in Charlotte.They love him. The only one I have presented to my mother in my entire life he is pretty special. The only thing I have to worry about is that my boyfriend doesn't get killed by the cartel. Yes, that's a big problem. Instead of worrying he is cheating on me, I have to worry he didn't get shot when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. Advice for everyone, do not date a federal agent, border patrol or any law enforcement for that matter. I wish he would work a desk job. But I think I fell for him. I probably do love him just haven't been able to say more than "I like you" because I am so stubborn and determined not to become one of those romantic cheesy couple. 

I am about to turn 23 years old in a month and having some sort of early midlife crisis. Time seems to fly by. My stepsister got engaged today, she's turning 25 this year crazy isn't it? One of my cousin got engaged a month ago and another one has a baby. Half of the girls who graduated with me are now married and some with kids. Have I already reach that age I have to get married? 
It feels like it should be the same way for me, but my head is still as cloudy and confused as it was at 18. Still unsure about the path I am taking with my life. And you would think that time would make things clear. They didn't for me. Just as confused but adding the financial burden and responsibilities with it.
And the lack of vacation. No vacation for a year, one week of vacation next year. Harsh. Very harsh for someone who is passionate about traveling.
Not that I have much money left. Between rent, electricity, internet, phone, IRA and the $400 taken of my checks for taxes per month, there is not much left saved. Can't believe how much money I would have if I was leaving with my parents like half of the people of my age. But financial independence is too important for me. One thing I am glad of: being able to pay all of it with my own money at 22. 

I just watched the Rebound with Catherine Zeta Jones. She falls for a 25 year old. In the end they split up because they need to lead complete different lifestyle, but end up back together five years later. Makes me thing. If I decide to travel and come back in a few years, will Cris still be waiting for me? Or would he be engaged/married like half of the guys I have been with before him? Is there really such thing as "If you are meant to be you will end up together again?" I know if I didn't meet Cris, I would probably have already moved to another country. But do I want to risk losing someone so special to live the life I want...but lonely? I can't tell if I will regret not traveling, or traveling and losing Cris. See the problem with Federal agents is that they really can't work anywhere else but in this country. So he can't follow me even if he wanted to... Life always give you difficult choices doesn't it? 

To move or not to move? Stay in interior design or go back to get my master? Master in what? Live where? Is staying for love worth it?
I just feel like those questions will stay unanswered unless I go see a counselor or psychologist. Except knowing my last doctor appointment cost me $800 (welcome to usa yay) I don't think I would be able to afford talking to one. 
Until them, I will keep living the same way and let time go by...
My job is so fun...Isn't it?

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