Diary of a Stranger

Dimanche 16 décembre 2012 à 13:37

 I missed to mention what happened in my professional life. Two weeks ago I asked Ryan about my situation, since I was suppose to be on a week trial before him telling me whether I was hired or not. But I was already at my fourth week and had no answer.  When I confronted him, he told me we were wrapping two big projects but after that it would be slow and he wouldn't know if he could hire anyone until the beginning of next year.... So much for using me. I was furious but kept a smile. Why have a job posted if you never intended to hire? I was originally suppose to work part time as an intern for a month, and worked full time after he told me I was on a week trial. I needed another job to make money on the side and he used me full time from 9-7 sometimes from 9am-9pm. And insinuating in many ways that I was guaranteed to be hired. I was furious and upset. What really hurt me was that I had to ask my parents for money hoping this would turned into a job. And making my parents believed I would get it. I was so scared to tell them. Not so much scared because I know my parents would always be there to support me when in need but scared to disappoint them. I wanted to make them proud, and I did, and totally mislead them. I wanted to prove I was different from my stepsister, that I could get a job within three month, that I could support myself without their help. That I could succeed as much as my big brother. That day I called both my parents and broke down in tears. My loans had come a few days earlier and I found out I had to sent a check to the government around $300 a month to pay off my debts. And my car insurance came up as well I owed $2000 by the end of the year. Now what? I had no money no job. I couldn't pay my own rent, my bills, my groceries, my other expenses by myself. How could I pay off my loans too?  I was so ashamed could not stop crying. I sent an apology email the next day writing a long apology to my parents for being a financial burden. I said I would get two jobs and work 7 days a week to make up for it. But my mum insisted that I don't because I would be more exhausted and would end up being more sick. Telling me I wouldn't end up making more money because my medical bills would get expensive. 
Great, I have the worst immune system on top of that especially because of my time in college where I had to pull so many all nighters. I went to the top program in the country, ruined myself and my parents, and got sick because of all the pressure and the sleep deprivation and it didn't lead me anywhere beside working a lousy restaurant and being used as an intern to the profit of my wealthy boss. I kept crying on an off for the days after, but my parents comforted me and told me it would be hard to find a job after school and that I didn't have to worry about anything they would still support me. 

That's when I decided to go back to Paris. I needed a break for a while. I took that miserable event as an opportunity. I could go home and see my dad, and finally meet his new girlfriend and her children. I could go see my sick grandmother and see my friends. I knew that once I would have a job it would be improbable that I get enough vacation days to go to Europe so we agreed I should go as soon as possible. My last time to go home and come back fresh to LA and start the job search again. As much as I love LA I also was getting sick from the superficiality and loneliness of my new lifestyle. I wanted to take a breather and have a taste back of reality and normal life just to make sure I wouldn't lose myself. 

So I booked a ticket to Paris right on New Year's day. For three weeks. Since then I have been feeling much better and forgot about the incident. Now I was more excited about the trip. I also found a ticket for less than $100 to go see RH in Madrid. I contacted Mikaela to see if I could either go to Sweden to see her, or make her come to Paris or meet somewhere else. And my father has been wanting to travel somewhere for two days with me, and I expressed my interest in Amsterdam or Berlin, we're still debating.

My attitude towards that event has turned positive. After all, everything happens for a reason, and it wasn't really what I wanted to do. Maybe a better opportunity will present itself soon that I would otherwise miss it if I had stayed with them. And even if they contact me when I come back, I don't think I would want to work for them anyways, knowing they could fire me anytime they would be going into downtime. I decided to work part time since last week, and plan to have my last day next Monday. My brother comes from Virginia on Tuesday, and now my hands are untied and I get to spend time with him. 

So here it goes, I get to spend more time with my family that I dearly miss, travel to Europe, and see RH. So things didn't turn out so bad after all. 


Samedi 15 décembre 2012 à 12:54

 Maybe I should calm down on the nightlife. I have been out almost every night for the past two or three weeks, I am getting so tired and  not feeling so well. I think it's defined as unreasonable when the number of nights I go party outnumbered the number of nights I stay in. It's that much that I'm always behind in this diary.

Monday we decided to go out and not contact Apl or his friends and go to AV and just have a fun normal night out in the clubs. Turned out 5 minutes after we came in, Apl, Damien and Hope all walked in so we came to say hi. Apl invited us to his table. Turned out Damien was djing that night at the club. 
Once again, right after we just got seated all the girls came in to take a a picture with Apl. Great. Well M. showed up as well with one of his older friends from London. I didn't acted jealous but M knew. We still had a good time, Somehow doing something illegal openly in the club seemed to be perfectly acceptable in my mind. Apl's friend rolled up a joint and we started smoking, right in front of the security guard. It's surprising all the things you can do when you're hanging around with people who either have money or fame, or both. I got Apl to want me again. We all left to go to his house, and I was so high I had to leave my car once again and ride with them. What happened happened. And I can assure you that it will never happened again. I will he has some weird sexual habits that I won't disclosed that definitely turned me off.  He wanted me to sleep there but he can't sleep with the tv on. Again, constant stimulation in his life and not one minute of peace and quiet, even when he sleeps. J and I had to be at work in the morning (really, in a couple of hours) so I went back down with Apl while we waited for the taxi. I think what also bothers me is the fact that everyone knows what I've done when I come up and down the stairs with him. So much for being low key. Huge lack of privacy, everyone knows his whereabouts all the time. 
After that I decided to stop texting him and so did he. I know my reasons but will never be sure of his, They're leaving for their tour to Asia and he will be djing in Brazil for New Years and I will be gone for three weeks in January so this is the end of it really. Back to my normal life. 

Lundi 10 décembre 2012 à 12:40

 I've been irrationally upset for the past two days because Apl ignored my text and didn't call or write me at all. B and I are very different but such close friend for the only reason that she's the only one who seemed to be able to speak for my own feelings that I am incapable of analyzing myself. When I asked J what was wrong with me, and why I was getting jealous of the thought of him finding another girl (which really, isn't that hard, just have to walk in any club), she just assumed that it wasn't because I care about him, but just because I care about that lifestyle and I wasn't having the upper hand this time. Is that really it? Then I told B what happened and here what she told me when I asked her why I was so upset and jealous without being able to tell him anything: 

"you're like that with a lot of guys. that's why you're not possessive, you don't like to show your romantic side a lot ...yeah i mean all guys are idiots. you have to show them how you feel or they'll start assuming....i mean even at school you didn't let anyone get really close to you. and when they sort of did, you pushed them away and acted like you didn't care then later you felt bad"

..."I don't think you care that much the jet set life ive seen video proof, if you cared about that then you would be more excited to be in front of the camera, you'd be floored that a celebrity bought you 200 dollars roses" 

So which explanation is right? B's explanation seemed more logical. 
But then I started thinking, am I upset at him or upset at myself?
 That I am incapable of expressing any sympathy or feelings towards any guys I meet (except RH who ironically is the only one I can't have) so they always end up walking away. That I only seem to realize once they're gone that I care, and still I am too proud to show it and just decide to move on instead. It's true I seemed very cold hearted on the surface, and show no sign of affection towards anyone I am interested in. In fact, I am not even nice to them. But I have no problem pouring my heart out to my friends and telling them all my worries. Just not to the person I am suppose to tell. No wonder Ray replaced me by that other girl. I could only tell him I missed him once I felt I was loosing him. What he did was wrong, but I can't even blame him they are good for each other. 

The problem really comes from me. I don't trust anyone and always associate expressing my affection/feelings with a sign of weakness after all my failed past experience. So then I have acted the same in Hong Kong, in Savannah, and now Los Angeles. And in most cases I regretted it. Then every guy I met are left with a bitter taste of me, and never know if I ever cared about them. Story of my life. 

And what do I do to remedy to my new failure? Going clubbing tomorrow. Did I solve the problem? Nop but I guess I am learning for next time... or not. It's crazy how this mindset always pulls me back.

Truth is, even if I decide to change, this case is different from others. You have to pull other factors:

He is a celebrity, I am a commoner. He has a Cadillac and a driver, I drive a Toyota Yaris that doesn't even work properly. He is 38, I am 22. He is a millionaire, I am a broke intern. He is at the peak of his career, I am still searching. He has no privacy having people around 24/7, I enjoy my quiet and calm. He is high all the time, I am sober most of the time. He parties almost everyday, I stay in bed and watch movie half of the time.

So if this thing somehow keeps going on, it really isn't really leading anywhere beside having some fun. So really he shouldn't care about me and neither should I. So moving on seem to be a wise decision. 


Samedi 8 décembre 2012 à 3:11

 I have been terrible at keeping up with this diary. So much has been going out and I meant to write about it but I never seem to find time for it. And I meant to have a little deeper analysis about what's been happening but I can't seem to find time either. This diary is a complete opposite from the one I wrote before back in High School.
Apl is actually really nice to me which seems to bother me because I can't tell if I like him. He is not my type and he's much older but he really treats me well and I guess he makes me feel special in some way. Girls always throw themselves at him when they see him everywhere we go, and he never flirts with them and always come back to me. He's been inviting me out almost every night even though I have to turn him down couple times and reject him most of the time. And he texted me as soon as came back from the Phillipines and landed at LAX. Cute.

Last night he ask me to come to his friend's birthday party at the Skybar. Once I got inside I found out that his "friend" happened to be Fergie. Paparazzi were all in front of the hotel. I waited outside smoking a cigarette, with Willi.Am right next to me, away from the paparazzi. I could tell he didn't like the medias. It was a private event and Apl sent Hope to go get me and J. Once we got inside, I saw Apl talking to two Asian girls and he turned away from them to speak with me as soon as I got there. He offered me a drink and I asked him about his charity projects in the Phillipines. But we got interrupted by some of his ex manager, walked right in the conversation. I was just standing there and didn't really know what to do. Rude much?J was talking with another guy at the party and I decided to leave Apl and join them. Apl eventually came back next to me. In reality I was bored. No wonder Fergie left her own party so early. All those business people coming up to talk to them to sell themselves it's irritating. So we decided to go to Lure right before it closed. I've never been to Lure. Didn't realize how big it was until I got inside. We got up to the VIP back room that leads to the upper section next to the DJ booth. 

Funny enough, A texted me earlier asking me to come to Lure and I turned him down to go hang out with Apl, and somehow ended up in the same club. We tried to meet but it was so crowded then once I went to the VIP section it was impossible for him to come up. Apl, afsheen, hope and damien got behind the dj (who i realized later on turned out to be super famous dj Fedde le Grand) Jordan and I came after them and security refused to let us with them so we just stood right on the side. Cute thing again, Apl eventually got out of the dj section and came back in the other crowd to stand next to me. The manager then brought us to the room upstairs. That's when I got annoyed and bored. I already thought it was too crazy at the club and it was making me dizzy, but once we got there it was worst. The manager kept introducing Apl to everyone, god it was annoying. Then this girl kept introducing him to everyone as well. Everyone trying to suck up and sell themselves again. Some girl at the table chucked half of a grey goose vodka bottle in front of me and made me nauseous. How disgusting and unsafe. Everyone seems older but acting stupid. That's where we met this guy from London, M, who happened to be the one who signed Fedde to his label. I had no idea at that time but he ended up going to Apl's after party with us.

When we came back to Apl's house, again freak show. Three people showed up and this girl and her cousin from Lure as well. Kept introducing him to other people that works in the music industry, here and there, sucking up again. I got annoyed and sat at the corner of the couch alone. Apl ended up seating next to me again and we talked. Then we went to his bedroom. I was at the wrong time of the month even though he didn't really believe me. I just laid on the bed tucked under the blanket and my arms wrapped around him and we watched tv. Until that stupid asian kid ran right into the room, didn't feel like he was disturbing anything, and kept telling Apl about 50 times that Fedde Le Grand was there. Harrassed him until he went downstairs. Apl asked me to stay in the bed until he came back but I decided to come back downstairs. Good thing I did, because went I saw Fedde I was mesmerized. What an attractive guy. I am so clueless about music that I had no clue who he had to be a big deal because everyone in the room was obsess with him. I went outside to meet up with J and afsheen who were talking to him, and started talking with him too. We talked a little bit in french. Super famous dj, attractive, and super nice. J and I were having a fun talk about language and got interrupted by this asian kid and the dumbass manager from Lure. I don't think anyone can be more rude. They grabbed Fedde's arm to get his attention to say what? That he was at the MANSION playing golf or what not, and that the asian kid ran his ASTON MARTIN back into the wall in front of the valet.... OKAY? so what? you're rich and you need to say it? Fedde tours around the world in his jet, and most of the people at this after party are wealthy so what's the point bragging about it? I could tell Fedde was annoyed. Then the asian kid wouldnt stop interrupting us over and over to harasse Fedde and tell him to come see his music studio and his people. Wow, I have only been in this celebrity world for a month with J and we can act normal around him but this kid can't and is making a fool of himself. I have never seen someone so pathetic. It's probably why Fedde didn't stay for too long and left shortly after. He shook my hand saying "enchante" and hugged J (aah lucky) and took off. 

I didn't know where Apl was and found him passed out in front of the TV in his bed so I decided to leave. But shortly after I came down Damien told me to go upstairs and woke Apl up then told me something like "here you go he's awake" I mean what I am? Here you go, now go sleep with him? Ridiculous. I don't know why but the entire night people were getting in my business. Another guy kept telling me that Apl was a good guy, and we looked really cute together, etc. ? I don't need anyone to tell me who to be with. It got even worst after M kept telling me it wasn't cool that Apl fell asleep at his own party and he would talk to him the next day. Did I ask anyone help to talk to Apl? Wow that was just so annoying I had never experienced that before. I am not his girlfriend and even if I was i'd like people to not get involved especially when they don't know me. 

I have to say talking to Fedde was one of the few moments I enjoyed that party. Other than that people being rude, and sucking up just made me sick. M could see it. He came up to me and said "you look so unimpressed, just standing there elegant and chic". It's like he could read me. He knew I was bored when I saw all those people coming in. He kept telling us that he was so happy to meet us, that he finally met some girls that were LA fake and how cool we were compare to other girls he met.  Me and J are definitely not the prettiest girl they've seen, but we're really down to earth and natural, that's why we keep being invited to those parties regularly. I love LA right now, but those parties seems to be made up of 20% fun interesting successful people and 80 % annoying suck ups. Can't have fun without the inevitable downside of it.
 Here you go, I just found a picture of the Asian kid I wanted to punch all night.
How can she stand him, he might be talented but what an annoying little guy.

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