anonymousdiary

Diary of a Stranger

When we forget what matters the most

Jeudi 1er août 2013 à 8:26

Well, it's already my birthday in France, considering I was born there, I am technically 23 years old now. But since I'm in LA, I can still cherish my last hour being 22. One good thing is that my quarter life crisis has calmed down. That depressing feeling of not having achieved what I was expecting at this age career and financial wise has passed. Yes I am still confused about my path and my choices this hasn't changed. But I get this chance to be confused. One of my close friend from college came to visit me last week. She brought up V's death again. Her murderer is going on trial next month. I tried to avoid this conversation, probably really cold like I didn't care because I don't like talking about death. I think about her every year, even though I don't tell C. Probably affecting her even more considering it was her roommate. Every time I think about her I am reminded that these awful things happen in real life. I think about her and what she possibly thought the few minutes before she died. How much she has suffered. Being stabbed to death by some crazy guy she didn't even know and left in her car on the side on the road. I think about how her mother must feel thinking about her daughter. Even if this guy they caught is the murderer, he plead not guilty, so how a relieve can it be? That means he's never going to explain why he did it. And that won't bring her back either. Every time I think about her it saddens me. I remember when we brought her to this get together, and we both were talking about how we had a crush on N, who's now married to one of my close friends. I'm so sorry V. for what happened to you, you didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to die like this. I hope you rest in peace. 
C coming here and bringing V murder again made me reflect on my own life. And I was bitching and sad that I had no plans for my birthday when my boyfriend planned this crazy night in SD for my best friend just to have me come down there. I am bitching that I had just two friends to celebrate with and still have nothing special planned. I was bitching because my boyfriend's attempt to surprise me with flowers at my work fell through because we end up fighting over his terrible lie. I was saddened because he has been in camp all week, and I only get one call a night, when I'm half passed out, always around 1am. Shit, why am I even complaining? Those things made me realize how minor my problem are, if there is any. 
I get the chance to grow old. I get the chance to figure out my life. I am healthy. I have a caring boyfriend. I might have only one true friend but she's my best friend.I live in sunny LA. I might not have vacation but I escape on hiking trails once every often. I have a job in my field. 
She doesn't. She was 19. Didn't finish college, will never get to accomplish anything. Left a boyfriend who is truly having a rough time dealing with her death. Death take away people who don't deserve it. Just like a brain tumor took J away. 

Another thing that made me reflect upon myself was this article I read on the torture in the Sinai Peninsula, refugees who get kidnapped into human trafficking and tortured while on the phone with their family to ask for ransom. Some crazy thing. Of course I know there is many more issues going around the world, like my best friend K, whose country (Syria) is a war zone. He has lost so many of his friends and have been more quiet and distant since the start of the war. I am thankful for not having lived through the Vietnam War like my parents or going through what K is going. The fact that awful things happen to people I know such as V or K makes me reflect more on myself than worldly issues. 

I am lucky. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for being able to grow and search myself. I am thankful for not having crossed the path of a murderer. I am thankful for being healthy. Thank you god knows who (destiny?) for letting me live. It's an opportunity and a privilege not granted to everyone. With that said, I am wishing a happy birthday to myself. 



And if you wanna try to give some people the same opportunity, you can like me petitioned here 
http://www.avaaz.org/en/petition/Egypt_Sinai_Stop_torture_camps/?pv=29


http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/hiking.jpg
Went hiking in Malibu with two friends this weekend. Feels like another world. 








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Corrupted Minds

Lundi 8 juillet 2013 à 4:57

  My brother is convinced I have the syndrome of "the grass is always green on the other side". Well it might be true, but should anyone settle for what they have when they know they could be doing better? Isn't being curious and questioning your life human? I actually think I'm starting to pin point the problem. I think I am scared that living in Los Angeles will change me. I didn't want to become materialistic but look around me everyday: there is as many Porsche and Mercedes than there is Toyota and Honda if not more. I design for clients who would spend 1.5 million dollars just to furnish their houses. Most of the houses we design range from 2 to 40 million dollars. My boss had to design this box for his client's watches and shipped them from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Guess how much the insurance was on them? $100,000 for 6 watches. His cars are worth 1 million. Is this even real? When I draw the floor plans of our clients house they have sauna, cinema rooms, maids room (which by the way are pretty fancy for maids) guest house infinity pools. Unbelievable. Stay long enough in this environment you start wanting the same thing. 

I remember thinking the opposite when a friend I met during my stay in Beijing and I decided to go backpack in Yunnan China during our break. We stayed in charming towns such as Lijiang or Shangri-La. We also hiked the Tiger Leaping Gorge which was one of the most beautiful hikes I have done. During our trip we met this French family, a women with her son and her boyfriend. They saved up and decided to go travel around for two years staying mostly in hostels here and there. They took the Transsiberia train from Russia and stopped in Mongolia. There they bought camping equipment, two horses and camp there for two months.  During rough weather a nomadic group took them in and  the french kid played with the other nomadic children. How crazy the bond you can make with a culture so different from yours and people who don't even speak the same language. The french woman showed us picture it looked amazing what a priceless experience. They were next heading to Thailand and Vietnam. I remember when we were in Shangri La, we went to a local bar and some local Tibetans invited us to their table and offered us drinks and were so welcoming even though I could not understand a thing they were saying. Those are the experience that no money can never buy. I remember thinking : why would anyone want to live in a metropol, get a mondane job do the same thing everyday when they could experience something like this? Sure this french family was traveling on a small budget, but I felt like it was much more fulfilling to be able to bond with locals than to travel in a five start hotel visiting touristic sites. 
 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/DSC01970.jpg
The lovely town of Lijiang, China
 
How can one mind change so quickly from one year to the next? You tell me if I am crazy or not, possibly. One's environment can be a strong influence.  I just feel like staying in LA deteriorates my previous values. Becoming obsess with success, wealth and look. 
 
Also the major problem I have is making new friendships. It has been so difficult. And very sad since ever S moved back. I had the perfect roommate and perfect trio with J and S. But other than that I have made no real friendship. Mostly people pretending to be your friends and flanking on you or ditching you whenever. I don't do one way friendship. I don't feel it so much except this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing because J left town and Cris is in camp somewhere in the desert and I only get one call from a satellite phone once a night. 
 
I have been ditched by supposedly friend from college. What can I say I don't even wanna keep trying after I get ditched like that or get unanswered text. But what a sad 4th of July weekend. Makes me realized how many friends I don't have. Which is odd, because I have always been very social and make friends wherever I go because I moved so much. Only took me 6 weeks to make good friends in Beijing and four months in Hong Kong. Even made friends for the two days I went to Shanghai. Got great friends from college and my friends in Paris are still my close friend I still keep in touch with. 
So what's wrong here. 
 
I am not depressed and miserable with my life, but I think it's worth questioning it. Am I crazy for having my values switching from on year to the next? Possible. If I stay here, five years from now will I become that typical materialistic money driven person from LA? 

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Meanwhile Socially

Samedi 6 juillet 2013 à 9:51

Social wise not much going on. I gave up my old lifestyle to be with my boyfriend and get myself together. No more ridiculous drinking, smoking and party at no time. No more access to famous Djs. I see A lister here and there at small clubs I sometime go such as Miley Cyrus, Lucy Hale, Sean Kingston, it's kind of whatever now, they're just people really. I saw Nero at Hyde though that was a really nice set. 
I ran into Apl at AV a few weeks back that was awkward. I know my life got a little boring after I decided to stop talking to him. He got to the MTV awards without me, got Joachim Garraud and Madeon at his house, got a table right next to Calvin Harris in Vegas... Oh well but my boyfriend is a good trade off. 
It's just that when someone bring up their name I reminisced and start missing these times. I had a table next to Nero two weeks ago, that was nice, good music. It's still good to have free table and drinks when I go out, but I get no direct contact with anyone it's not as it used to be. I see his friend with Ellie Goulding, Rita Ora, and Mark with Skrillex... 
I know I miss it, but I always remember when I was living that way, I was slowly getting sick of it, high drunk and party everynight, fake people... Gotta keep in mind that this isn't real. I still come out sometimes to see good Djs just like Nero. 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/nero.pngNero, awesome set that night

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Summer Update...

Samedi 6 juillet 2013 à 7:58

Overdosed on netflix. Time to diversified my activities. Like writing here, it's been a while. Since the previous post I have been asked to work full time at one of the interior design office so I went from having two, to three, and now to one full time job as a junior designer. It is nice to have a regular schedule and not drive off all the way to Redondo beach one day, Santa Monica the next and Pacific Palisades on weekends. But if I didn't suspect I would get fired and replaced by another person who was willing to work full time if I didn't accept the offer, I would have kept both jobs. Sure,one full time job is good, but reduce the variety of my assigned tasks. Repetitive task leads to boredom, sometimes hate. Imagine drawing on autocad and 3ds max all days, drawing cabinet details, construction drawings and 3d rendering all day for multi millionaires....You start wondering the point in all of this. Is it fulfilling? I like my job as much as I would love accounting work, except I get paid less. I start questioning whether or not I would even liked to have my own firm, questioning every decision made since college, from my career choice, my location to my relationship.
Did I ever considered Los Angeles to be my permanent home before coming here? Never. A year, two tops. Just a transition until I could move further back west. Hong Kong, Shanghai, Melbourne, Saigon? Just explore some more. 
What should I study if I don't study interior design? MBA? MA in Journalism? MA in International Relations? 
I feel like I am heading the wrong direction except I can't seem to find the correct path either. Can't go study and spend more money until I really know, I already have to pay back about $20,000 of loans for my last four years of college. 
I'm a traveler, never stayed in a place too long. Owning my interior design firm would mean staying in LA, starting to network, build my circle, construct a reputation. All these steps involve being in one place. Am I ready for this? 

Do you believe in Chinese Zodiac signs? I do, there description is pretty accurate, almost scary. 
Read this description of the Metal Horse here

Need for independence, changes, new experiences but also success and moving up the ladder. 
See, those are contradictory. If I decide to travel around the world, I will never go up the ladder, I will still be at the bottom career wise by the time I am 30. And if I stay in one place I have more chance to become a project manager or being my own boss by that same age. So how can I get both? 

And how can I travel and have a serious relationship? 

I have the relationship I want but not the lifestyle I want. 
Anyone who knows my past history knows my awful record with men (so much that a lot of my friends have suggested that I write a book or make a tv show out of it) , haven't been able to find one good working relationship. Until now. 
Usually things get a little shaky past three months I start discovering the dark side of my partners (if it last that long) and I start getting into major fights. 
But not with Cris. So far so good, things are only getting better. I have been with him for over five months now. I finally found after 22 years someone I could trust, who I know would not cheat on me, or reveal some drug addiction or gang or secret son or bipolar symptoms. Someone who respects me, and do things no one ever did for me. He even went to my friends' wedding in Georgia and met my mother and stepfather in Charlotte.They love him. The only one I have presented to my mother in my entire life he is pretty special. The only thing I have to worry about is that my boyfriend doesn't get killed by the cartel. Yes, that's a big problem. Instead of worrying he is cheating on me, I have to worry he didn't get shot when he doesn't pick up my calls or answer my messages. Advice for everyone, do not date a federal agent, border patrol or any law enforcement for that matter. I wish he would work a desk job. But I think I fell for him. I probably do love him just haven't been able to say more than "I like you" because I am so stubborn and determined not to become one of those romantic cheesy couple. 

I am about to turn 23 years old in a month and having some sort of early midlife crisis. Time seems to fly by. My stepsister got engaged today, she's turning 25 this year crazy isn't it? One of my cousin got engaged a month ago and another one has a baby. Half of the girls who graduated with me are now married and some with kids. Have I already reach that age I have to get married? 
It feels like it should be the same way for me, but my head is still as cloudy and confused as it was at 18. Still unsure about the path I am taking with my life. And you would think that time would make things clear. They didn't for me. Just as confused but adding the financial burden and responsibilities with it.
And the lack of vacation. No vacation for a year, one week of vacation next year. Harsh. Very harsh for someone who is passionate about traveling.
Not that I have much money left. Between rent, electricity, internet, phone, IRA and the $400 taken of my checks for taxes per month, there is not much left saved. Can't believe how much money I would have if I was leaving with my parents like half of the people of my age. But financial independence is too important for me. One thing I am glad of: being able to pay all of it with my own money at 22. 

I just watched the Rebound with Catherine Zeta Jones. She falls for a 25 year old. In the end they split up because they need to lead complete different lifestyle, but end up back together five years later. Makes me thing. If I decide to travel and come back in a few years, will Cris still be waiting for me? Or would he be engaged/married like half of the guys I have been with before him? Is there really such thing as "If you are meant to be you will end up together again?" I know if I didn't meet Cris, I would probably have already moved to another country. But do I want to risk losing someone so special to live the life I want...but lonely? I can't tell if I will regret not traveling, or traveling and losing Cris. See the problem with Federal agents is that they really can't work anywhere else but in this country. So he can't follow me even if he wanted to... Life always give you difficult choices doesn't it? 

To move or not to move? Stay in interior design or go back to get my master? Master in what? Live where? Is staying for love worth it?
I just feel like those questions will stay unanswered unless I go see a counselor or psychologist. Except knowing my last doctor appointment cost me $800 (welcome to usa yay) I don't think I would be able to afford talking to one. 
Until them, I will keep living the same way and let time go by... 
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/cad-copie-1.jpg
My job is so fun...Isn't it?





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2months later ha

Dimanche 7 avril 2013 à 5:33

Hello there,

Once again, I forgot about my blog what can I say, things got so busy the past three months.
Since that night at Stingaree I have been dating Cris


.I have been working two interior design jobs, one as a design assistant,  Monday and Wednesday in Redondo Beach, and as a junior designer on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday in West L.A. We have been moving in a new office space and I love my new desk :)

http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4836copy.jpg



My roomate graduated with her Master and left us two weeks ago to go back to France. We spent the weekend before she left in Vegas with J. Had fun again with my little crew once again. It was the first time in a while we went out. I kinda stop going out so much to the clubs after I start dating Cris and J and S were getting sick of it anyway. But it was refreshing to go again. Fedde happened to DJ that night at XS Club so we got to see him again.


http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4771.jpg
http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4769.jpg


Pretty nice club. I tried to see if Mark would be in Vegas so we could all hang out together but he was on tour in Australia and going to Miami. Unfortunetely we didn't end up being able to talk to Fedde because they were so many people. J took off with some British guys and Me and S somehow ended up hanging out in Enrique Iglesias' Suite at the Encore hotel. One man working for him invited us after the clubs. Kinda random surprised, I guess it was a good fall back for not being able to meet Fedde. We didn't know what was more exciting, Enrique or the Suite. Because it was amazing. Here is a picture

http://anonymousdiary.cowblog.fr/images/IMG4782copy.jpg


And I'm having diner and about to take off downtown so here go will write later. Yes I am terrible at this once again.



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