Diary of a Stranger

Samedi 24 novembre 2012 à 11:48

I wanted to talk about thanksgiving and all its joyful moments. Instead my mind has drifted to a complete different matter. I've been missing RH since he left, trying to kill these thoughts for so long by going out and meeting around other people, clubbing, bars, etc. But it made it worst. I got so sick of meeting new guys every night, because I feel like repeating myself over and over again. "Hey how are you? Where are you from? What do you study? Where do you work? " blablabla the same questions over and over again. Imagine doing that about 10-15 times a week. It comes to the point where I don't even see the difference between any men I meet. I don't even think I could recognize their faces. Everything is just a big blend of shallow conversations that I can't recall. Three of them texted me tonight to come hang out with them and declined all of them. Even H's invitation to go party with him and Apl. Who cares, I would trade seeing a celebrity to see RH right now if I could. Or if I could use you for a private jet and go to Spain to see RH I would. Before he forgets me.. which he already is in the process of doing. Lately I have been the one writing him first. First bad sign. Then he canceled our skype session. Second bad omen. Then I saw a picture of him and his friend, and a girl who he appeared to be close to. Third bad sign. I can't hold it against him. I knew he was going to be the first to stop talking even though he didn't believe me. Just like John. I never knew I would care so much. I didn't even know I could care at all before I met him. I was surprised when i heard myself telling him I miss him. Because it makes no sense to feel this way, not for spending such a short amount of time with him. We've just been talking so much when he was away that I feel like he knows me more than others. I think it's easier to move on when someone clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore, than when someone isn't with you because you live away from each other, and end up with someone else consequently. It doesn't matter how I feel, what matter is that he doesn't find out how I feel so if he does stop talking to me I don't look so desperate. So I decided to stop talking with him until he do so, and hide all his posts from my fb homepage to avoid those ridiculous jealous feelings to come back, and just focus on my life here. I also think I might have been idealizing him because he left, so this feeling will probably go away eventually... 
On top of that I just realized how homesick I was getting. Homesick, well home is here technically...I miss my brother and my mother, and I regret I di
dn't fly out to North Carolina to spend thanksgiving with both of them. I miss Paris a lot too, and my friends, and the food.. It would have been smarter to have gone there before moving here because now I don't get any long holidays to go anywhere. I also miss Hong Kong... and Madrid..and I'd like to go back to Sweden to see Mikaela. I wish I could be at all those places right now. But what can I say.... People always come and go, drift in and out of my life, nothing's permanent. It's the exciting part about moving around and meeting new people, but also the downfall of it. So as much as people envy my life, I can assure you that you better be a loner to survive my world. No permanent friends, or family around,
or places that feel like home. Have to keep a strong mind not to feel lonely and adapt to changes. I have met and left (or been left) so many great people over the years, seen tears and cries when time together came to an end it's been difficult. But as Nicholas Sparks put it so gracefuly:  


“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”

 So I am crossing my fingers and hoping for this feeling to go away soon. 


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