Diary of a Stranger

Mercredi 24 octobre 2012 à 8:26

 Today, meeting at the restaurant at noon for our weekly staff meeting. We had to talk about all the things that went wrong last weekend and made us all want to quit. TWO HOURS long. What the... seriously, I wasn't even clocked in.

Honestly, beside the fact that the restaurant is so disorganize and drives me nuts on weekends, I have another reason to quit. 
My manager, who well offered me the job, and happen to also be my my roomate's ex roomate, is starting to make me uncomfortable. 
Yes I would be your girlfriend I would wanna choke you. No wonder she gave me those hate looks since the day we met. Then I hate that girls always hate me when I don't even flirt back with their boyfriends. He's getting more and more touchy with me. And invited me for lunch tomorrow since I declined diner and hanging out with him at night on false pretense to hang out with my girlfriends. 

As J put it "I don't even know what to tell matter how you act you're screwed"

Should I stay or should I go? 

I am so broke, I have to keep working, I got scheduled almost everyday this week. And I only got 3 days of pay, I am waiting in two weeks to get the big paycheck... 

I hate it I hate it so freaking much. Why does this always happen to me. I can't meet a teacher, can't meet a guy who wants to give me a job, can't network because they always end up making me uncomfortable not keeping it professional with me. 

Mardi 23 octobre 2012 à 12:48

Today I heard the Black Eyed Peas on the radio. I couldn't stop laughing and thinking about last Thursday.  I probably will see him again since Hope told me him and Apl goes to certain clubs on specific days.

I was trying to think about my unstable life and why I moved here. Truth is, I keep the party going because I can't admit to myself that I am still heartbroken and haven't recovered from all the things that happened last summer. I am unable to trust people or get attached. If I start spending too much time at home I get lonely and start thinking about Savannah and my ex. But I don't want to talk about it to any of my friends. I had to deal with it for two years and they have to bear with me during these times.

It kills me to see him happy with his fiancee. The worst is I took the blame and apologize to his girlfriend trying to make him look good. Because no matter how much I hated him, I also loved him enough that I wanted to see him happy. He cried in front of me the day after graduation, blaming for messing up his friendship with his best friend. Truth is, his best friend betrayed both of us and lied to us. But since our relationship was falling apart already I didn't want him to loose his best friend either. So I didn't say a word. Now both of them are really happy and found someone they love, and I am the one who got fucked over and got left alone. There is no such thing as Karma, just shit happens to everyone honestly no matter how good or bad your behavior is and has been in the past.

So yes, I will keep going out when I can... And I am starting to get so lonely that I think I am gonna bring someone home really soon. I don't care who it is, I just need some distraction to prevent my mind from reminiscing the past. Because being emotional hurts more than anything. So I am gonna do a better job at giving out my number next time instead of snobbing the Hollywood crowd.

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:41

 Gosh last night turned out to be crazy once again. It seems to get more out of control every time. 


I flirted and exchanged number with Apl from the Black Eye Peas...Then I ditch him. 


What the hell did I do that I don't even know. 


Me, my roomate and my best friend were all planning to go to Beacher's Madhouse to check out that crazy club with flying midgets and costumed freaks. Turned out that was a major fail, as we had no idea it was only open on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Then we stopped by Supper Club, to realize how awful it was inside (definitely not like the last time I went there). Jordan contacted this promoter we met last time we went out, and he had a table at The Lexington, telling us Apl was Djing that night. So we went in. Well, J. being drunk last time and didn't really remember what he looks like, just waved at the wrong guy at the wrong table. Well that promoter thought he knew us, telling her how good it was to see her again. I came to shake his hand to introduce myself but he hugged me too saying how good it was to see me again as well. Really? How much drug did you take? Because we never met. 


Anyways somehow me and my friends ended up being offered drinks at 5 tables out of the ten that were in the clubs. It ranged from champagne to Vodka. I already had two drinks in my hand the first ten minutes we walked in

Everytime we decide to behave on our drinking.... major fail 

This weird asian guy invited me to get a drink at his table. I took a drink then went back dancing. Later on he offered me a drink again so I went back and Apl was seating on top of the booth seat. I don't remember what I said to the Asian guy but I think he encouraged me to go talk to Apl. Of course when when I have more alcohol than blood in my system, I get really comfortable and not shy. I just sat next to him and introduced myself. God he looks like he was completely on drugs. We start talking, I played with his glasses, laughed at him (can't help my sarcasm), played with his phone, exchanged number just as if he was any guy. But then just like any guys in Hollywood, he start rubbing his hands on my legs and I got annoyed. So I told him I was leaving to meet with my friends. And that awkward moment when I gave him a hug when he wanted more... I bet I pissed him off. Celebrity usually don't get turned down. But in my mind, I was thinking, would I even wanna talk to him if he wasn't internationally famous? Probably not. That's why I decided to leave. Hope invited me to their after party, but me and my friends weren't comfortable going there. I bet they would probably just be taking coke and all sort of drugs. 

We decided to meet up with those guys from New Zealand, some in a band, and Cam, solo singer, and Mike T, whom the New Zealand boys were producing songs for.  And Adam, and that weirdo who followed us there, and only realized nobody knew him once he left. We hung out in the management studio office. We had so much fun. They were playing guitar and singing the entire time. It was fun except one of the guy from the band was getting too touchy and hitting on me so much I start getting really uncomfortable. Truth is I was more attracted to Cam, I wish we could have had more time to talk because I find him interesting, but J was already flirting with him. Mike T is so funny as well, he reminds me a bit of one of those actor in Lost.  It all start going bad because Jordan got blacked out drunk, and start knocking things over. And Cam start getting annoyed with her. I was cleaning all the dirt that fell from the pot with him while she just seat staring at us. Me and S decided to leave as it was already 5 am but J wouldn't leave, she insisted to stay on the couch. 
Well I called her the next day wondering how she was doing, she said she woke up in her apartment but didn't remember how she got there. Cam later told me that they put her in a taxi 15 min after we left... How embarassing. J is so embarassed that she doesn't want to see them again.... 

So that was our night.... giving us a little performance of his songs in the management office.....And crazy Mike T holding Cam's portrait haha

Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:40

Dn just texted me back. I really tried to be nice and give him a chance. But damn, him adding me on facebook just turned me off even more. There is a fine line between taking care of your body and being obsess with it. I'll say half of his picture is him shirtless and his modeling (also shirtless) picture. I also remembered what just made me look the other way. He is so obsess with his look he has to take testosterone or whatever other of those things to make his muscle bigger. Dude, I don't swallow a bunch of pills to make myself skinnier, or my boobs or lips bigger. Then going all over my photos and liking them, and texting me about my smile. OMG please just stop. I couldn't care less about the sweet talk and your body, I just want someone I can talk to. 


I miss J. Since ever Harvard started he doesn't talk to me and I miss those random texts. Now I kinda wish I stayed on the east coast, I would have more people to talk to.

If only they knew I care more about intelligence and personality than look and stature. 

So sick of LA and its superficiality. 

Maybe I should move up north to San Francisco or something... 

It's lonely out here. 


Lundi 22 octobre 2012 à 13:38

 And again it's almost 5am and I still can't sleep. Not sure whether or not writing is helping my insomnia really. I guess it can't make it worst.

I miss Hong Kong. I talk to my little D. today. God it's been like 6 months I haven't talk to him. And a year since I have left Hong Kong. We were good friends, well even a little bit more than friends. He has had a girlfriend for almost six months and she was nice, fun, and cute. Last time we skyped he was so sad and lonely, asking me to come back. I am glad he's happy. 

That's the funny thing, in Hong Kong, the first time I had that problem, and probably the last.  I had four or five great, attractive, nice, and respectful guys, all knowing each other, who liked me. But I was only there for four months. I couldn't pick, and I didn't want to be attached at the same time. I made a real mess out there, if I was coming back, I would do everything differently. When you know your time is limited, you act differently. If I was staying longer, I would have take my time to get to know all of them before I pick. 

I think I haven't really figured out that the person I really wanted was R. So I somehow slept with B, the biggest mistake ever on earth. Then went on sleeping with my friend, D. and felt so guilty it would ruin our friendship. I don't really regret it though we had our cute moment. He made breakfast for me. I am usually so scared of parents, but his father was really kind although i came out of his son's bedroom, proposed me to come get lunch with his wife and son, which i respectively declined, then dropped me off to school.

Then it finally came that both Rm and Rp liked me and were flirting with me. My best friend in HK was trying to sort out this mess and help me find who I cared the most out of them. Rm was sweet, he's a model and half of the girls had a crush on him. But for some reason I wasn't attracted to him, this cold perfect beauty has never really been my type. I started being attracted to him when really got to know him and saw how sweet he was with me, he's the one who introduced me to everyone at first and helped me get friends. And I know I hurted him when he saw me later on with his friend. But I was more attracted to Rp. I wasn't good to them really but they were really good to me. I guess it is Karma coming back to hit me in the face right after. One night, we went to Volar, this bar with all those models everywhere, we came with some of them. I felt so uncomfortable around them, I guess after drinking a down couple glass of vodka, i somehow went making out with some of the Elite men model. In front of Rp. I remember feeling so guilty when I woke up the next day. He never really looked at those model, I could tell he had all eyes for me, and the drunk me somehow made a mess. But this whole story did have a cute ending. This whole tension between us two the entire time months we were hanging out. Finally to end up together only the last two days before I was leaving. He was cute. When he kissed me that night, he smiled at me, saying how he's been waiting for that moment for the longest time. We didn't even talk the rest of the time, just kissing so everyone left us and he went home with me. He didn't get much sleep, had to go to work the next day and was working until 3am. I was so happy when he came. Rp was exhausted but still wanted to come out to say goodbye to me. My friend A cried so much it took us an hour to leave each other. 

Then Rp stayed with me, just the two of us. He was walking me back to a taxi. I don't know how that was possible, but I think we kissed for nearly two to three hours, I couldn't even keep track of time, I just know that by the time I had to leave, it was around 7am and the sun was up. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing we would probably never see each other again. But it was the most perfect ending I could have asked for. 

We didn't keep in touch, but I think in the end it was better to end it this way. Because all I keep with me are good memories. I know he started dating this Eastern European model couple months after. But it doesn't matter. He was cute and I will always remember him as such. 

Then everything became a nightmare and start falling apart when I came back to the states. 

I think I came to distrust all men that I even came to ignore the ones who might have been good for me. I met this guy at hermosa pier a few weeks back, while hanging out with my cousin. Dn, he was spanish/italian/polish/mexican. Gorgeous mixed. Perfect body. In massage therapy school and also was a gogo dancer and a striper to pay for school... I didn't judge him and he liked that. He was pretty much the dream of every girl I guess. Except he started talking about how he was a relationship type of guy etc, how I had the most beautiful smile and how pretty I was etc. And called me the next day just to see how I was doing. Then again two days later. Well he did not know that all of his actions participated in scaring me away and me ignoring him. People that seem too clingy like that scares me away. 

On the other hand, I was really into the french asshole who I met in August and slept with the first week I came back to L.A Well he ignored me two weeks and texted me two weeks later saying he was sorry he was sick. So sick you couldn't text back? Then kept wanting to hang out but always ignoring me the day off. After being ditched about 4 times I told him I was done trying to see him two days ago. He hasn't text since. It's sad that it took me that long to realize he wasn't worth it. We always want the one we can't have. 

Well, I realized what he did was in a way, similar to what I did to Dn. After realizing maybe I should have not ignore him, I texted him apologizing two weeks later, using moving into my new place as an excuse. He never texted or call back. I deserved it. 

It's like always seeking for the wrong person. I had a talk with one of my best friend in France today. Telling me that I shouldn't have ignored Dn but instead just telling him what I really felt, telling him to calm down on the things he was saying instead of just running away.

I started feeling lonely lately. 

And I guess the reason why I miss Hong Kong so much is because it gave me hope again at that time, that I could be attracted to someone who was both nice and respectful, and not constantly being attracted to the wrong ones.

But now I feel like I am going down a slope again. I feel lonely, yet I am unable to trust anyone. So I either stay alone or go for the wrong men. 

<< Page précédente | 1 | 2 | 3 | Page suivante >>

Créer un podcast